Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Leaving Las Vegas, thankfully....

Vegas is the frites du merde of American cities.

Finally, I find myself in the airport, blessedly heading away from here. At this point, I'd consider the non-stop to Lagos, Nigeria, absent any other alternatives. Thankfully, there's no need to take things to that point. Instead, the plane will soon be pointed East and, God willing, I get to be not in Las Vegas effective one hour fifteen minutes from now.

It NEVER ends here. Sitting in the airport waiting area, we are forced to endure the non-stop sounds of "music" and "sound effects" emanating from the bank of slot machines behind our seating area. To wit: every 20 seconds (I timed it) we hear the audience from the syndicated game show scream out "Wheel....Of....Fortune!". EVERY. 20. SECONDS. This from the machine themed to look and act like, well, the game show, I guess. There are others making all kinds of noises--burping, farting, screeching, etc--but this one is the most, um, prominent in terms of its piercing irritation.

Now, if I was Pat Sajak, I'd go out of my way to avoid the Delta arrivals/departures terminal at Las Vegas McCarran airport. If he, or Vanna White for that matter, ever showed their face, I bet that one of the poor Delta employees who staff the gates next to these slots would take a stanchion post and beat Pat/Vanna to death with it. And, guaranteed, those passengers waiting in the boarding area would applaud. Just like the retards in the studio audience.

What else? The famed Vegas Strip, you ask? Let me set the scene. Imagine being in a really crowded shopping mall, dodging the oncoming tubs of lard housewives. Next, it's windy. Next, it's hot as hell. Next, to the side, rows of Mexicans in t-shirts are offering tout cards blaring "Live Strippers To Your Room" and "Totally Nude". All the shops in this mall are cheapio T shirt places or over-priced restaurants or casinos (there's nothing else--that's it). As you pass the casinos, you hear this: "Welcome to Vegas' [insert b.s. sell line about how great the casino is]--where the slots are loose!" Apparently loose slots are a good thing, though in my limited experience I like any slots I'm associated with to be as tight as possible. KnowwhuddImean?

And the food? There used to be cheap-eats buffets at every turn in Vegas, but according to the History Channel documentary on continuous loop on the hotel TV system, those are now a thing of the past. So the one positive thing about the place--low-priced eats--has gone the way of the buffalo. I experienced this first hand, as per the previous post about breakfast. But check this out, from dinner a couple days back: room service, cheeseburger and french-onion soup, no drink, that's it: $34.50.

Pfffft.

So, mercifully and after one week of frustration combined with at least the contemplation of seppuku, I'm out of here. Perhaps to return next year, same time, same frigging convention? Buff my scrotum!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:27 AM