Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

The Marriage Manual

Twiddling up and down the AM dial on the way home yesterday, and comes a program featuring this lovely couple who have apparently written a book on how to survive the birth of your first child. Survive, as in: your marriage.

Now, I'm one who believes two things:

1. There is no such thing as romantic love;
2. Marriage is for retards
   

But, for those who frickin' insist on taking the bloody plunge, here, then, is the "Buff Me Tenderly"™ Marriage Manual, version 2,© 2005, baby.

Rule 1
If you're the guy, you're always wrong.
Rule 2
When in doubt, see rule 1.
Rule 3
When your wife complains that you don't "share your feelings" or tell her "what you're thinking", remember, you sorry bastard: she has no interest in hearing either your feelings or what you're thinking. She wants to hear that you agree with her feelings and what she thinks.
Rule 4
You've heard the old saying: 'there is no sex in the VIP room'? So: think of your entire sad married life as an extended trip to the VIP room. That explain it, numnuts?
Rule 5
You have to always pay for everything.
Rule 6
Still not sure? Consult Rule 1.

That's it, schlubbies. Follow these rules, keep your chin up and your bowels open, and you too may become a fully-realized manly kind of man when it comes to womens and their wily ways.

Remember, I'm available for expert media commentary on this all important subject. Now that I'm an author and all. Just have your people call my people, at 1-800-GET-EFFED. Oh, and buff my scrotum.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 12:10 PM