Ice chewing inhibits my satisfaction, dammit!
I've been chewing ice for awhile, and now it's coming back to haunt me.
Dentists suck. They have this amazingly high suicide rate, to say nothing of their daily digging directly into your mouth...what with all the phlegm and bad breath, it's amazing they don't off themselves right there in front of you.So at my most recent check up, I'm asked by Dr. Josef Mengele, my dentist: Nigel, are you chewing the ice? And I'm like, yes, you Nazi fuck, and do you have a problem with that?
T
urns out that, based on experiments Dr. Mengele performed back in the 40's, ice chewing is a sign of "sexual frustration".Me? Sexually frustrated? Just because I haven't had pussy in 12 years? Wonder why?
Dr. Mengele, ever so helpful, prescribes the following for little old me: find a girl, and then, fuck her brains out.
Now, I have trouble with this. First, there's no tongue involvement, and me, I like the tongue involvement. One thing I'm good at is the, um, cunnilingus. I have developed this skill from necessity, as it distracts my partner from my obvious and disgusting fat rolls, plus my tiny little wiener, Percy, whose ability and effect can be summed up thusly: zero.
Most of my recent attempts at achieving coitus have resulted in: noitus. As in, nothing. So, vainly, I continue with my tongue exercises at the gym...in, out, in, out, in, out....damn! Even my tongue is short! So I have to work extra hard at keeping up with the average shlemiel. Shit.
So, to compensate, I eat the ice. I have an ice sculpture of the Titanic in my living room, slowly melting, but hey, I'm chomping away daily....frustrated....needing to bury Percy somewhere, somehow...but still there's your Nigel, trying to maintain positivity throughout. I shall persevere!
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:58 PM
4 Comments:
I hope you're not burying Percy in the ice Titanic. That's a little strange, even for me. Try carving yourself an ice babe; maybe an Asian one. Or a midget.
I chew lots of ice, too. whatever... Just be careful you don't accidentally desensitize your most powerful organ.
Your brain is very powerful...
falalalalalalalala
Nigel, I consider you a much more creative guy than this...all this means is that you have to go out and find a blind chick and fuck her brains out....
Midget, hmmm.
Have you tried Orbit?
Ah what the hell, the blind chicks a great idea.
The perfect woman?
3'4" blind deaf mute with big ears and a flat head to set your beer on.
Post a Comment
<< Home