Cats, and Nigel joins a dating service
In a probably vain attempt to ease my lack of companionship, I am tomorrow acquiring a new pet. A cat. But because of my allergies and also lack of regular housecleaning, I need to get one that doesn't have a lot of hair. One of those baldy cats you see in National Geographic. That way, I won't be scraping up dander off the couch in the middle of a sneezing fit. I'll let you know how my search for my hairless pussy goes, though with my luck I'll get one that looks like the lovely creature above left.
Meanwhile, I've decided to try one of those online dating services. Not that goddamm e-Harmony, no way, the hell with that. Mainly because their TV ads frighten the shit out of me. Everyone who hooks up on e-Harmony apparently ends up married, and that's the last bloody thing I need. No, your Nigel is simply looking for a few laughs followed up with athletic bouts of mindless boinkaroo. That's my plan, anyway.So, here's my proposed personal ad, complete with Photoshopped picture (I made me better looking than in real life, but everyone on these bloody things does that, right?)...lemme know what you think:
Only you can save me from joining e-Harmony! Tall-ish, wide-ish 50-ish pleasingly plump balding guy with glasses, straight from the Damaged Goods department, with lots of emotional baggage, two ex-wives and alimony payments up the ass, looking for a female who
appears to be sexy and gorgeous with the right backlighting. If you have legs that even remotely look like Heidi Klum's, well then, I'm already masturbating thinkin' about ya! Looking for fun times only, beeyotch: I'm not in the market for the three ring circus (engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering). 'Cause love is like a sweet dream, and marriage is the loud alarm clock. But if you deliver the goods, humour-wise and contortion-wise, I'll jump on Oprah's couch for ya, promise! I bathe daily and all my shots are current. Being older than the average lying jerkoff on this site, I'm a lot like a pile of shit--the older I get, the easier I am to pick up. So you won't have to work too hard. Discretion assured, as I am willing to lie about how we met.I'm betting I'll meet Ms. Right with my fun and mostly honest approach, don't you think?
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:12 AM
13 Comments:
With that perverted ad there is no way you won't meet the ho of your dreams, my friend. She is just waiting around the corner (literally). HaHa! :)
The sound of mouse clicks and clattering keyboard keys is deafening with all the responses to your ad!
Nigel, oh Nigel.
Love is like a good old fart.
At first it feals grrreat. In the end it stinks.
Oh how irresistable. Nigel, with an ad like that they will come knockin your doors down pal....
Oh and good luck with the Pussy purchase...
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