Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Mary, Mary...you ugly, nasty bitch!

Ugh.

Just got the word that my least favorite relative, my cousin Mary, is coming across the pond for Thanksgiving.

She's English, so what she has to be thankful for, I don't know. But that's not the point: this woman is to humanity as lung cancer is to breathing. You couldn't find a less appealing person if you tried. Even her friends hate her guts; she does these little "sausage and wine" parties in her hometown of Leeds, and no one shows up, cause she's such a total bitch.

Let me set the scene for you. Imagine a fat, obese, blousey, ragged out housewife, with really bad hair, and her legs on upside down. Forget imagining, there she is at right--from her last year's Christmas card (I blacked out the worst of it). A total whiner. Personality of a soapdish. Complaining all the time. Pus-ridden, awful skin--boils, carbuncles, bunions, plantars warts--the whole bit. She breaks into tears at a moment's notice and then blames you for it. Nasty and evil to children. Yiz gits da picture?

Example: last year, on her last trip over, she pulled my sister Shantilla aside to announce that she was suffering from vaginal warts. Who the hell tells people this shit? My ugly disgusting cousin Mary, that's who. First of all, the idea that anyone would WANT to get close to that part of her anatomy is astounding. Talk about unappealing: she's so grotesque, her face looks like she's been in a dryer full of rocks. Gag reflex set to 100: when she moved into her house, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains. Her dipshit manipulating whorebag husband even let on that she is so hideous, he'd fuck her in any position and no matter what, it would still be doggy style.

So I have to deal with this total shithead in about 6 weeks, and what's worse, this "woman" who looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels is demanding to camp out, chez Nigel, for about a week! What to do, what to do?

So, my loving shlubbies, please provide me some kind of excuse I can use so Mary the ugly nasty disgusting twat won't insist on staying at my house longer than, say, the three hours it takes to do Thanksgiving dinner! Any suggestions?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:32 PM