Nigel blows it, again
So the instruction manual for my love life reads as follows:1. Locate foot (a)
2. Place in mouth (b)
3. Feel like a fool (c)
Last night I'd managed to lure a young woman to chez Nigel, using my normal method (offering her drugs and money...that's really all that works for me now). Trying to impress this nymph, I generously made dinner. Over plates piled high with corn dogs, beef jerky, and raspberry jello, I began the seduction which ultimately led us walking down the hall and thence into the deep, dark, and semi-creepy environs that constitute my boudoir.And there on the Craftmatic adjustable we went at it. Well, I did. Well, ok, I tried to go at it. We were maneuvering into what the Karma Sutra calls the "Veyda Opposites" position, which consists of the man trying to grope while saying "yes, yes, yes", and the woman squirming away while saying "no, no, no."
But despite her protestations (I know she really was just kidding, see), I got a hold of her fun bags and whispered in her ear: "I'll pay you more money if I can just see these lovely titties." Smooth, suave, and debonair; that's my MO -- so Cary Grant of me, don't you think? But she absolutely refused to take off her top, depriving me of the joyful exploration of the largesse of her mams.So me being me, I think: I'm at fault here. So I asked her if I repulsed her, and she said "yes", and then
I thought hmmmm....maybe I have greasy hands and that's what's holding her back. So I asked her: "Is it my greasy hands? Is that what it is--the hand grease and fingernail dirt, so you don't want me to touch your bare skin? 'Cause if it is, I can go wash, I think there's some soap there in the bathroom somewhere...and then will you take your top off for me?" And she said: "Sure!"So I skipped off the bed and rushed into the lav.
Closing the door, I got to a-scrubbing and a-washing. Five minutes later and clean, I triumphantly re-entered the chamber of love that is my bedroom...and she was gone. Vamoosed. Scramdillyoso. Plus my wallet was cleaned out.For the future, I think I need to work on my technique. Plus wear a bag over my head with David Beckham's face cut out from a magazine and taped to it. Oh, and also a Michael Phelps body suit. I think I'd end up looking like what you see at right. Plus, of course, I'll plan on washing my hands before things get all hot and interesting.
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:49 AM
30 Comments:
I have heard that guys with Monster Penis' or is it Peni? Really scare the shit out of women. I am wondering if all this writing is just a facade for a huge Monster Tool you are working with.....
If you were to maybe measure using...oh...millimeters...
In the past, most women I was with needed to use high end super-secret government issued spy-type equipment, like the Hubble telescope, to get a glimpse of little Percy fully extended.
Another reason why I drink.
Flyinfox- that is so not true. Size does matter. The bigger the better, baby!! Ha! :)
Okay, well, next time don't be so gropey or grabby, Nigel. I don't know. Maybe she felt like you were trying to maul her boobies or something. Oh,wait. You were!! :)
The quickest way to get Percy immersed in the warm, slippery deliciousness of 'gina juice is to simply employ the ever-trusty-but-simple 10oz Hickory Handle Brick Hammer the next time you find yourself in that situation.
http://images.hardwareandtools.com/P/6306302.jpg
Besides, if Percy's as wee as you make him out to be, she'll not even notice you banged her; and she'll attribute the headache to the Fallstaff beer you've had stashed in your garage fridge for a couple of decades ;-)
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