Goose farts at the retirement home!
I've been hangin' with my peeps at the ol' folks' crib, yo.Now THAT would have been funny--last night, I'm talking about. If instead of a generally raucus but also out-of-tune Christmas song pageant, we'd had happy holiday hip-hop. 90 years olds dressed in gang banger clobber, up there on stage hittin' the beats...but sadly, instead, it was all pretty milquetoast. The standard yuletide singing, complete with audience participation.
And that's where yours truly fell flat. See, I have a pretty deep speaking voice. Years of being on the radio combined with excessive alcohol and tobacco consumption have made me sound pretty much like Darth Vadar. I actually scare telephone operators at places like Pizza Hut when I call in an order, just by opening my mouth.
So speaking-voice wise, all that resonance and rumbling worked fine for radio and TV, but definitely does NOT and never has extended to singing. When I sing, my voice takes on a unique and almost indescribable tone.
My singing voice sounds like goose farts on a foggy day.
So last night, during the audience participation part, I'm singing along to "White Christmas" and my companion, my friend, someone I've come to rely on and really trust (and who, btw, has fucking fabulous tits)...well, she turns to me and whispers: "Nigel, if you don't stop singing immediately, if you don't shut the fuck up, we're going to have to leave. Because you're scaring the old people around us."
Suitable chastised, I quit, and stood there silently while everyone else continued with their holly jolly mood. But I say, fuck singing anyway, at least for me; I never liked it and always thought it was kind of....homo. I'm reminded of the old joke:
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:25 AM
2 Comments:
That's interesting...I think you should cut an album!
Yeah, so uncalled for-that woman in the bathroom. I am sure my laughter and snorting while I peed in the stall next to her did not make her feel very good. Sorry, I could not stifle my giggles. Kinda like you with that woman in the catsuit.
And Bless that man's heart with his mouth wide open. I was just waiting for him to fall over so I could give him mouth to mouth much like the method I used on retarded Steve. But alas Open Mouthed Drooling Old Man didn't waver. He somehow stayed erect, damnit!
Nothing ever happens the way I want it to! :)
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