Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

The all new Nigel: now, improved for 2009!

How was your Christmas? How was your New Year's? Blah blah blah; endless questions from people you run into, and they're never quite prepared for the response I provide, which is: "they were both...charming".

Yes, shlubbies, I'm turning over a new leaf. Since all the leaves I see looking out my kitchen window are dead and brown and crinkly, why not reflect that in my refreshing new attitude? Just kidding; I'm really serious about my new outlook, which can be summed up thusly -- every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better. With a little help from pharmaceuticals, I admit, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.

So, I resolve the following:

• I'll be positive, not negative. Negative people suck, and since I'm not gay, I herewith renounce negativity and will embrace a sunny, "Up With People" outlook. From now on, everything's just jake.
• I'll smile more. It takes something like 4 muscles to smile and 7,582 to frown; if anything, I have the best-in-shape face in the history of humanity as a result. One unintended consequence is that I'll have to make up the defecit with some other kind of facial exercise.
  
• Depression is nothing more than anger internalized. So I resolve to be outwardly angry, but in a positive, smiling way (see points 1 and 2 above). That way, I won't be eating away my insides with nasty thoughts about how everything sucks (except me, because remember, I'm not gay. See point 1 for clarification on this).
• I'll celebrate the little things. Like my penis.
• I'll take more time for family and friends. On the family side, this will mean hand-writing my alimony checks as opposed to having the online bank print the suckers out. And I'll include all kinds of nice little touches, like using hearts over the letter "i" in my signature, instead of a dot. On the friends side, taking more time will just mean saving a bit more money so as to afford the increased expense associated with the escort services' hourly rates.
• I hereby resolve to love all holidays and to communicate my love for those holidays whenever and however appropriate. Like, for Arbor Day, my plans include public peeing-on-trees to show my joy and happiness.
• Finally, I will work hard to treat my fellow man with kindness and generosity. While those who know me well are throwing up in their mouths a little bit reading this, my response to them is: "fuck you. Eat a slice of dingleberry pie if you can't handle the new, sweet me."

Remember, dear reader, a smile is just a frown turned upside down, happiness is a habit, and you get more with honey than you do with oozing pig innards. Happy New Year!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 8:12 AM