Saturday, December 20, 2008

Manhood intact despite "Mamma Mia"

After last night's festivities, I pleasured myself to visions of Meryl Streep in tight spandex bell bottoms, all the while doing a mental check-off as I jerked off: had to make sure to rid my mind of the gayness that lurked within, post TV viewing. But I'm getting ahead of my story.

See, my regular Friday night nefarious plan involves attempting to woo a certain Chiquitita over to my home where I ply her with home-made victuals and alcohol-free beverages--then, we retire to the TV room where I make vain attempts at pushing her buttons. So to speak. This of course with the ultimate goal of concluding carnal congress. To help out last night, I grilled up a particularly rare filet mignon for my guest; the thinking being that really red meat gets the juices flowing, and so on and so forth, and so long as I get her juices flowing, well then! The inner lion in your Nigel was roaring last night, lemme tell ya!

So as we're getting comfortable after dinner she goes: "Let's watch a movie!" And I'm thinking, perhaps something that would set the mood. "9 1/2 Weeks"..."Red Shoe Diaries"...maybe "National Lampoon's European Vacation"? No, she wanted to watch a musical called "Mamma Mia".

I'm not much for musicals. I liked the Rocky Horror Picture Show but that was mainly because Susan Sarandon, who's about 84 years old now, was all of 23 or so back then, and spent the bulk of the film jiggling around in her underwear (photo at left). And as a rule I'm certainly not much for a musical built around the songs of the Swedish group Abba. But this particular woman lying prone on my couch is especially fine and lovely, so I figured I had much to gain and nothing much to lose by agreeing to watch this picture at her request.

So, "Mamma Mia"--it's a filmic adaptation of the mega-homo Broadway show that featured about 8,000 songs from Abba. You've got Meryl Streep and Colin Firth and Pierce Brosnan and Christine Baransky and Stellan Skaarsgaaaaard (how does he spell his name?) flitting around this Greek island, and all of a sudden interrupting the rather weak plot with Abba tunes like "The Winner Takes It All".

Watching this, I discovered two things: first, Pierce Brosnan, who obviously won the sperm Olympics when he was born in Istanbul and who thus looks sorta like a Greek God -- Pierce Brosnan has the singing voice of, oh...Ernest Borgnine. Boy can't sing. Second, and much to my horror: I knew ALL THE WORDS TO ALL THE ABBA SONGS IN THE FILM! There I was, singing along to "Dancing Queen" and "S.O.S" and I couldn't believe it. Must have been because I'd had to play all those songs on the radio back in my disc jockey days...but I'd long suppressed the memory of this.

About half-way through the film, I touched myself. Just to make sure I still had a penis, and that somehow it hadn't been cut off or had fallen off or had befallen some other nasty fate. Abba can have that effect on a man, you know. I'm not fucking kidding.

My would-be conquest spent the bulk of the night laughing at me, and she left as per the norm with me being left to, um, handle things on my own...which I did. With visions of Meryl in shiny bell bottom spandex dancing through my head, I went at it, fully conscious the whole time that if Brosnan entered the fantasy, it'd be time to take the pills.

I'm happy to report no such trouble; my manhood remains intact. And I never want to see this "Mamma Mia" film, ever again.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:11 PM