Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

I DO declare!

With July 4th now just days away, I thought some historical perspective would be helpful.

• The real American Independence Day is July 2nd. This was the date the Continental Congress adopted a resolution telling King George to buff their collective scrotums, thus severing ties with Great Britain. They didn't get around to the official Declaration of Independence till July 4th, but by then the toothpaste was out of the tube. On top of that, most of the delegates didn't get around to signing on until August 2, 1776.
• The signers of the Declaration suffered tremendously post-signing; here are come sad-but-true stories:
  
  
  • Button Gwinnett had hemmorhoids and couldn't ride horses for years as a result--his legacy is an eponymously-named county in the state of Georgia overrun by illegal aliens;
    
  • New England's Josiah Bartlett was mocked, mocked, and mocked some more. Afterwards, there was more mocking. The lame-ass TV show West Wing almost used his name for the New England Presidential character played by Martin Sheen, but because of the weight of historical mocking they decided to use "Jedediah" (not Josiah) Bartlett instead;
    
  • John Hancock was forced by church elders and embarrassed family members to change his name--to John Hanwee-wee;
    
  • William Williams of Connecticut was plagued by warts. He had them before signing the Declaration, but no one gave two turds about him up to that point...after signing, he became famous in his native Connecticut, and his medical problems were public knowledge. "Warty Willy Williams" died penniless and surrounded by his menagerie of pet frogs;
    
  • Thomas Jefferson's sweaty dalliances with slave babe Sally Hemmings came to light; thereafter he was known behind his back as "Tom Change Your Luck". This infuriated him no end, and till the day he died Jefferson privately cursed his uncontrollable drive to sample at the jungle fever buffet.
    

Happy Independence Day, scrotum-buffers. And count your lucky stars you live in a country where drivel like this blog can be printed.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:36 AM