Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks she's African

Gwyneth Paltrow declares "I am African" in a new advertisement for a charity working in Africa. There she is at left dressed up as a combination Zulu warrior princess/Pocahontas with the trendy "I Am African" thingy underneath.

See, now, well, no, Gwyneth, actually, you're not. You're a pretty California blonde; well-meaning and all, and I wouldn't half mind giving you a go if you popped round for a quick one...you're a lot of things, sweetheart, but definitely not African.

When it comes to attractive blondes who really are African, shlubbies, I give you: Charlize Theron. Approximately 6'9" tall, this bilingual Amazon speaks English in addition to her native Afrikaans. And thank God for that. Afrikaans sounds like a Dutch/German mix spoken by someone suffering from both uvula cancer and muscular dystrophy. It's hard on the ear. I was once on a South African Airlines flight from New York to Johannesburg, surrounded by numerous white people grunting and expectorating (it's what this Afrikaans sounds like, really). It's the only time in my life I truly wished I had Marlee Matlin's disability.

Gwyneth, darling: you can buff my scrotum (in Afrikaans, "pools mi gedeeltes").

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:17 AM