Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

My future ex-wife #3

I ate dinner out tonight. Sat at the bar of a local steak place, solo as per the norm, and had medium well formerly live cow along with processed potato products, mmmmmmm good. Complementing my fine dining choice was a variety of libations. Let's see--a series of 25 oz. beers, perhaps 4?...(hey, that's 100 ounces of beer, nearly a gallon, goddammit, and where's my ribbon and trophy?) and also a variety of in-the-snifter chasers designed to cleanse the palate. Grand Marnier, Sambuca Romana, and probably a Tennessee Malt Whisky or two. The bill was over $100, which is cheap by big city standards but here in the butt-sniffing town I live in, it's considered high rolling, ya see.

Anyhow, working behind the bar was my latest soon-to-be ex-wife. Serving oh-so-sexily, I met the lovely Alicia. She sort of looked like a pretty version of the lesbian comedian Sandra Bernhard (at right)--hard to imagine, I know, but go with me on this,ok ? Great lips, nice overall presentation, plus she likes sports and the world's greatest rock band, AC-DC. Bingo! In other completely corrupted ways, she's just right for me, too: she already has 2 kids by 2 separate guys, never been married, drinks like a fish, loose morals, has a degree in accounting so she's not completely retarded....what else? Oh, yes, she's moving away soon.

Perfect!

Instead of getting married, tonight I suggested that we simply slide right on through to the thing where I give her a house and a car and pay her $3000 a month for the rest of her life. She responded pretty well to this though she was put off by me, physically. This is standard procedure and completely understandable, but once I told her that I'm impotent and sex is impossible for me, she relaxed a bit. But not completely: mysteriously, she was still a but... suspicious. I wonder why.

Regardless, I hope to be on the hook for more cash outflow within a couple of weeks, and I can't wait...

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:02 PM