Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

From Sheena to Vegas

Comes on the radio this ad for a "free" Vegas time share trip. The woman talking identifies herself as "Tanya Roberts"-- I'd never heard of her, until I got home yesterday and snapped on the Trinitron, cable channel 763. Here's this nearly nude blondish babe astride what is obviously a horse painted to look like a zebra, galivanting across the Serengeti, ordering black people around while communicating telepathically with flamingoes.

And more: not so very far into the the film, our heroine, sweat dripping down her ample cleavage, thoughtfully takes time from her busy African day wrangling rhinos and busting bad guys for some skinny-dipping, and thank God for this.

Shlubbies, I'd stumbled across Tanya Roberts, in the 1984 release "Sheena". She looked just extraordinary; gorgeous legs up to her neck, lovely plump pre-Angelina Jolie lips, big eyes, pretty, pretty girl.

The movie, on the other hand, sucked the gigantic oozing bag.

Times change. To go from starring in "Sheena" (and apparently Charlie's Angels and in a James Bond movie, too, I found out, plus some soft-core porno, yeehaw?) to hawking Vegas time shares. Wow.

But enduring this "Sheena" has put me in a mind to spend some time searching out more bad movies starring other great looking girls who also can't act. So, tonight I'm on my way to Blockbuster to get "Wild Orchid", starring the plastic-surgery-gone-wrong actor Mickey Rourke and the beautiful but vacuous and talentless Carrie Otis. This movie has the distinction of scoring "0%" positive reviews on rottentomatoes.com. I can't wait.

Your comments are welcome as to the next movie I should rent subsequent to that.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:32 AM