Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Where to crap at the chili cook-off?

Because of a promise I made to a friend of mine 26 years ago ("sure, yeah, that'd be fun, if you ever do that I'll be in it with ya, there'll be beer and babes and we'll get laid for sure!"), I'm now a "contestant" in a big-time chili cookoff.

My ill-advised promise from 1980? Well, I was younger then, and at the time more than prone to act like a sex-crazed alcoholic idiot. Now, in 2006, I'm just an alcoholic idiot. Priorities change.

The event is tomorrow and is preceded by tonight's outdoor group debauchery and drunkeness as hundreds of other "contestants" set up their Coleman grills, Weber kettles, and orgy tents.

I'm too old for this.

Want proof? I'm obsessed with the porta-potty situation. We're supposed to be at this thing for 24 hours starting about 6pm tonight; other than crapping my pants there seems to be no alternative but to avail oneself of the locally provided plastic "sanitized" (oh, suuuuure) urine and feces covered facilities.

Don't you HATE having to use a porta-john, particularly when your number's up and that number happens to be "2"?

So here's my solution: I stopped at WalMart this morning and bought two big bottles of Pepto Bismol. I figure if I drink it down, all of it, I'll be as clogged up as morning freeway traffic by about 4pm today, and will make it through the cook-off without needing to free Nelson Mandela at any point.

But by Monday I'll be releasing chocolate hostages with vim and vigor, all over the place. The Pepto will be done in by then and so will Nigel's bowels. So, fair warning: stay far, far away from me if you know what's good for you.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:20 AM