Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Run Mitt Run!

Mitt Romney is running for President. I don't know about this, now. First off, he looks like a game show host. Second is this name: "Mitt". Third, he's a practicing Mormon.

Let's deal with these issues one at a time, shall we?

1. Looks like a game show host. Or maybe a TV newsman. He's got a square, craggy jaw, and a full head of hair. Do we need Brad Pitt's dad in the White House? Me, I think not. Presidents should be ugly, disgusting looking people whose looks don't distract you from the issues at hand. They need to be physically...gross. I give you: Hilary Clinton.
   
2. "Mitt". I don't know. What the hell kind of name is that? Did daddy Romney like baseball? Why not "Bat" or "Jockstrap"? People with nicknames make me nervous.
   
3. The Mormon thing. They believe all kinds of mondo-bizzaro crapola, including that we're all gods and that you can baptize dead people and that they have to wear special underwear. Promising to wear this sanctified underwear the rest of your LDS life is supposedly a covenant you make with God--but I say, how then to reconcile the inevitable skidmarks? There you are, backing the big brown Caddy out of the garage, but unfortunately you don't get all of it all the way out. So, there are....leavings...all right there in your Mormon shorts. Must be some kind of sign from hell, when you check out your holy underwear and see ass kabob streaks.

All kidding aside, I say that anyone who doesn't like Hanes or Jockeys or Depends...well, I have serious doubts about their ability to lead the most powerful country on the face of the earth.

Plus, get this, they really believe in marriage. Shudder. Double shudder. That's enough for me, right there: Mitt ain't gettin' shit from your Nigel, votewise.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:15 PM