I am a fat ass pig, fo' sho'
So last night I'm at my favorite bar, drinking as per the norm, when a load of police came in. Maybe 10 of them, all frothing at the mouth. Ready to eat for free and then return to the dangerous streets that make up my hometown.Well.
Given my DUI predilection, I decide the smart play for me would be to bail on the boys in blue and continue imbibification on the deck, so I proceeded fourth and fifth-with out there. Sat down on a chair. No worries. Then, moved. *Crack* The arm broke. Tried again. And again. And again. Five times, no kidding, five chairs broke under me. People at my table were laughing their asses off.
Now, in fairness, these chairs were the Wal Mart el-cheapio plastic kind (as in, at right) and had been sitting out in the Southern sun for a while. But, truth be told, many many many people had say in them without breaking them. But then along comes obese disgusting Nigel.I am a fat grotesque piece of shit, for real.
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:38 AM
8 Comments:
me thinks he do protest too much.. or some such lingo..
LOL.. :-)
but whatever.. still a great blog that amuses me day to day
keep up the fantasy :-)
The 5 chairs stuff is really true...I couldn't believe it either. It was like one after the other after the other.
The bar owner was cool about me not having to pay her for them. I offered...
Nigel - Just keep a good bar tab open and the bar keep will let you break all the chairs...
That story was quite unbelieveable...not that I don't believe you...it was just unbelieveable.
Flyinfox_SATX
I have to say that I never heard of a resin chair breaking. They must have been old and brittle despite the size of your ass.
Which can't be that big considering these chairs are about 2' wide at the most.
I bet you have a tiny heiny. =O)
Margaret, I really love you for your kind but drastically mistaken viewpoint.
I wear 52 inch waist pants, and I'm overflowing those bastards. I don't really give a shit that much, honestly. I really am a fat bastard; I weigh about 320 and am not anticipating losing much moving forward. This explains why I was mystified as to the attention shown me by miss bikini, referenced a few posts ago: there is no way on God's green earth that a normal woman would find me even remotely attractive. Hence the confusion.
Regardless: ss far as the chairs go, I checked again with the manager at the bar who told me that this was normal at the end of a hot summer with little or no rain, so the breakage was to be expected and they really didn't care that much. All is good...
I broke the toilet seat in my old apartment back when I was over 250 lbs. And once after walking about 1 1/2 miles in the summer heat, I hopped on a bus and left a big sweaty ass print and was laughed off the bus by some fat black chick who must have weighed nearly twice as much as me. The bus was packed with people, I was so embarrassed. I wanted run back, catch the bus again and bash her fat head in. Instead I went home and cried. After buying a treadmill I dropped over 70 lbs. But I've been a lazy bastard lately and probably gained a bit back lately. I really gotta get back to it.
My cousin Marisol once had me check for "buttjuice" on her chair. I looked at her like - What?!
so she had to clarify in her know-it-all way:
"you know, juice from your butt."
OH my shweet schmeggums....
it's okay if you're chubby
:o]
Schmegums? Butt juice?
Resin WTF? This use to be a disgusting place.
Wheres the sawdust upon the floor?
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