Tuesday, October 21, 2008

E-mail from an angry customer

Last night I wrapped up work about 9pm--this after having started the day at 4am! The last email of the night went out to a customer who had fired off a snotty little missive about some software not performing properly; it was worded in such a way as to raise ol' Nigel's hackles just a wee bit, which we all know is risky for those on the receiving end of said raised hackles. The last line of the email he sent tells the tale: "So I get this damn message from you idiots: For assistance, contact your network support team. Okay , you assholes on the network support team..consider yourself contacted."

I ask you, is this any way to ask people for help? The very people who hold your future ability to perform your job in their nicotine-stained fingers?

So I fire back:

"Dear K---, first, I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. So, I do indeed consider myself contacted. Now, you can consider yourself fucked. While I'm busy not trying to assist you (because of the tone of your email), here are some suggestions as to how you might spend the next 24 hours. After all, you're gonna be dead in the water, work-wise, given that I'll be taking my sweet time diagnosing and fixing your problem:
  1. Carefully straddle and then lower your testicles into a Waring blender. Select "chop". Better yet, "grate". Let me know how that works out for you.
  2. When asked by your boss why the software isn't working tomorrow, save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date tomorrow night.
  3. Finally, spend some time trying to do this exercise: grasp your ears firmly, and then remove your head from your ass.
Sincerely, your buddy Nigel (who's going to bed now, instead of working to fix your problem)."

Whaddya think, shlubbies? Diplomacy was never my long suit, but in this case I think I did pretty well--don't you?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:34 AM

4 Comments:

At 9:53 AM, Blogger Frequent Traveler said...

I iwsh you would have handled all of my customer issues when I worked....

When the stock market bombed 500 points, I could have just directed clients to your number to explain it :)

 
At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BRAVO!!

All of the assholes in the world should read your words of wit.

Then there just might be a few less out there to piss off the rest of us.

Again I Say BRAVO!

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger Deech said...

Nigel,

I even have some pictures that describe what you have written. Maybe you can send these off to him since he may not understand your words, based on his current course of ignorance. Email me and let me know if you want them...I use them on my blog all the time.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Dan O. said...

Just found your blog and am enjoying the hell out of it.

I have only one hope regarding this post; I HOPE it is 100% true.

 

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