Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Dear Nigel....the first two sob stories....

Hey ho! It's my first shot at counseling and assistance (see yesterday's post for an explanation). Putting on the Dear Abby bra, I warm up the IBM Selectric and get cracking on my first two problems to solve, sent in by my shlubbies:

One of my lovely readers writes:

Dearest Nigel, Why is it that a luscious single babe such as myself, who showers meticulously from head to toe, bikini waxes, uses deodorant, brushes her teeth, and has a clean bill of physical and mental health cannot get laid on a regular basis by a studly hot single cop who wants nothing more than to skillfully and sweetly ravish me every time he gets off duty ? Everyone else on the planet seems to be having orgasms as often as they drink starbucks in the mornings. Please render some appropriate and wise perspective before my special place becomes filled with cobwebs from lack of use.

Nigel says:

Dearest shlubbie, well, that sucks the flaming pole of manhood. I wish I had some wisdom but I'm shit out right now, having been up all night drinking Sambuca while watching Audie Murphy in "To Hell And Back."

That Audie, wow, what a baby-faced little guy. See what I mean, in the photo at left? Look, this movie was filmed in 1955, and he looked all of 16 in the film...since he was playing himself as a war hero, that means he must have been, like, a fucking infant when he was killing the Jerries ten years before, in WW2.

This movie had the least-realistic battle scenes in celluloid history. They all looked like the kind of gunplay you'd see while watching an episode of Hogan's Heroes. I kept waiting for General Burkhalter to show up. But at least the Germans actually speak German in the film, as opposed to English with a German accent.

Oh, where was I? Your problem. Let's see: you could go gay, like Lindsey Lohan? Would that work, at least temporarily? Failing that, I'd suggest broadening your horizons, and going after married cops. Or, how do you feel about single firefighters? I mean, they have a uniform, too!

I hope that helps. Let me know how it works out for you, kay?
----

Another poor lost soul writes Nigel, the expert:

Dear Nigel, Why is it that we can't create a sport or reality show where one hunts their ex until their dead? I have anxieties about not being able to do this...

The short answer is: in this age of youtube.com, there's nothing stopping you from producing your own "spec" show, or pilot, and then shopping that sucker around to all the greedy TV execs out there. You lazy slagheap! Let's make a plan, shall we?

First, you've got to ensure production values are tip-top. That means, you need a host. I'd suggest has-been actor Steve Guttenberg, he of the "Police Academy" movies--photo at left. I mean, we already know he knows how to handle a gun, from his previous movie work, and I bet he'd work for peanuts.

Next, which network to go after? Because we know that Mr. Obama is gonna reinstate the Fairness Doctrine, I'd suggest approaching a network not typically known for shows about murdering your ex-wife. They'll be looking for programming to balance out their point of view once that law gets back into place. So, what about the "O" network? Oprah's thing? They air, almost non-stop, heart-rending stories of women who've overcome breast cancer or ingrown toenails or halitosis or whatever, so they might be a good candidate. I bet she'd love to see your tape in a pitch meeting. Her reaction at first may be something similar to what's pictured at right, but goddammit, persevere! She'll come around!

Finally, you'll need a sponsor. Since they've got a lot of money, and it's retail, and they advertise a lot on TV, and your show has something to do with women (sorta), I'd go after the shopping chain...Target. Just think of all the neat positioning/slug lines you could come up with! "You've got your ex-wife in your sights...while she's in the crosshairs, don't forget to target real savings, at Target!" That kinda thing.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 5:58 AM