Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

3:45am and all is well....

Nigel Jr. is fast asleep, it's cold outside, the heat is on, and something called "Knocked Up" which features the inexplicable 'talents' of a person named Seth Rogen (this guy is a movie star?) is on HBO. It's the standard 3:45 am early wake-up for yours truly, which occurs for me even on weekends. Without an alarm clock.

Whipping around the TV channels this hour of the morning is a trip. Between all the paid programming for useless crap, re-runs of "One Day At A Time", and talking heads yapping about the election--why, it's a veritable panoply of mind-bending nonsense, right at the time your mind needs not so much the bending, but very much the coffee.

• Useless crap: this guy with the beard who screams at us about cleaning products, this Billy Mays--what is the deal with this guy? He must have the dirtiest, most broken down house in America, what with all the new crap he's constantly trying and demonstrating and harping about. There's Mighty Mendit and Kaboom Never Scrub and the Steam Buddy and something called Zorbeez, too. Plus about nine million others. Hey, Billy, some advice: hire a maid service and also maybe a handy man, and leave us alone. Please.
  
• "One Day At A Time": at the time this show was actually aired, it never occurred to me just how much Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen looked alike. Now, watching the re-runs, it's immediately apparent. At right, a shot from their wedding--who's who? How weird would it be to marry someone who looked just like you? For me, that would require getting hitched to someone who looked like Anne Ramsey--you know, the old lady who terrorized Danny DeVito in the movie "Throw Momma From The Train."
  
• Election: give it to Obama, already, so we can go back to watching Billy Mays ads and re-runs of "One Day At A Time". Or, at worst, something else starring my new favorite actor, Seth Rogen.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:45 AM