Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Dear Nigel...two more problems to solve

I've got my Dear Abby bra on, boys and girls, and am trying oh so hard to provide the advice that makes a diff. Here we go with the latest:


How do I put up with a fucking computer geek who lives for blogs? I don't know what to do with him. I wake up naked (and I am not too bad-lookin' in that sitsy-a-shon) and the dork is on the fuckin' Internet doin' the blog thing. HELP!!!

BTW - loving annie - I'd go for Angelina Jolie before Lindsay Lohan...

Dear darling reader:

'Tis a conundrum.

But first, where the fuck were YOU when MY second wife left me? Shit.

Back to your problem: there you are, naked as a jaybird and apparently willing to surrender the pink (am I wrong about that? reading too much between the lines?), and yet you're dealing with a man who's more interested in blogging than banging.

I say: disappointing. And then, my advice is: make the sonofabitch jealous. And I have the perfefct plan.

Get yizzself a website, and call it something nasty and provocative, something that would attract lots of men. Something like: fuckinggreathomecooking.com. It'll be irresistable, because men all blow dead hippos at the culinary skills, and will kill for a real, home cooked meal.

Second: post you some almost nudey photos on that there site, cooking up the victuals. Nothing too dramatic--but enough to water the eyes, and also lubricate other parts, of the men who partake of the visual excellence contained therein.

Third: share all the nasty and disgusting propositions made your way, including but not limited to the invitations for dastardly anal invasion. After all, we're trying to get the object of your desire to get...desirous...right? And nothing quite says desire like jailhouse amorousness, I'm telling you.

Fourth: evaluate the reaction of desired object, and quickly make a determination as to the efficacy of continued effort. I say, if you look as hot as you claim, baby, come on over to chez Nigel, and one thing will lead to another, yes yes yes?

If all else fails, there's always the pills, or perhaps the HK 47 snub nose. But I doubt it will get that bad, as your self-proclaimed hotness will count for something among the great unwashed shallow douchebags who read this drivel and spew, and so you'll find someone else to torture moving forward.

Oh, personal observation: even straight women can apparently "get it up" for Angelina Jolie, but I gotta admit that Ms. Lohan is looking pretty good, too, lately, since she cleaned herself up and admitted her carpet munching tendencies. If she and I were in an all-womens prison, she'd be my girl. Gay women shlubbies: weigh in, please?

-----

A perverted reader writes:

How might you, skilled 'gina master that you are, advise we (men as a community) get Lindsay and Loving Annie together? Further, how might we talk them into "scissoring" for the camera?

My disgust for you is immeasurable. That you would, for even one minute, consider this as a potential reality...my god, man, the depths of depravity to which you have sunk! Have you no shame?

Seriously, though, if you could get the photos and the video, we could make some major goddamm cash. Ya think? You in?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 12:22 AM