Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

I wanna feel Jerry Springer

So today's UK Telegraph is reporting that televisions could be fitted into contact lenses within ten years. The sets would be powered by the viewer's body heat. That's weird enough, but how about this: "emotional viewing" could be another development in television technology, which would involve something called a "digital tattoo" fitted to the viewer. It would pick up on the feelings of characters on screen and create impulses causing the viewer to feel the same way.

Now, I know what you're thinking. The average perv (like me) immediately jumps to the porno possibilities here, right? There you'd be, legs akimbo, a-wanking away as you "participate" in the carnal festivities unfolding literally in front of your very eyes--and you're "feeling" it where it counts, too.

Not bad.

But I take this a step further. What I'd like would be to sample an episode of that treasure trove of trailer trash tumult: the Jerry Springer Show. Wearing these contacts and activating my digital tattoo, I'd be able to truly experience the feelings of whatever fat inbred cross-dressing incestuous toothless redneck who happened to be Jerry's victim of the day. What fun!

Imagine the emotional gamut you'd run: what it's like to marry your sister, how it feels to chaw on Red Man, the exhilaration experienced when you shoot, gut, and ultimately eat squirrels.

I say, forget the porn, and instead bring on the decline and fall of everything that's good and holy: Jerry Springer.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:57 AM