Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Da Vinci Code? How about The Bob Ross Code?

The critics (those slovenly dipwads who spend all day, day after day, in dark theatres) have spoken. Verdict: another Tinseltown Turd. Despite Audrey Tatou's cuteness quotient and Tom Hanks' box-office boffo bankability and Ian McKellen's wide-ranging thespian gifts--The Da Vinci Code movie....sucks (wait--that's Ian McKellen's job...that old rump-ranger). Seems director Ron Howard blew it (hold the phone--that, too, is Ian McKellen's job...that old weenie-washer).

I say: forget about Leonardo--let's concentrate on Bob!

Yup--I'm more of a Bob Ross Code kinda guy. Watching his show is like taking sopors while having a simultaneous valium enema (hey--whaddya know---another "up the butt" reference. Again, that's Ian McKellen's job, that old colon-crawler). Bob, pictured at right, is dead--but all the more reason to make the movie. After all, the Da Vinci Code is about a dead painter. Right? So: The Bob Ross Code. Now there's a movie about a painter I could get behind (aussi alors, Ian McKellen's job...that old turd-burglar). Starring Larry Fine as Bob, Jenna Jameson as Bob's love interest Natasha the hooker with a heart of gold, Carrot Top as Lem the wacky next door neighbor, and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

The plot would be basic. Bob's left hidden clues in the "friendly little trees" he puts in all his paintings -- with those clues, you'll find the key that unlocks the secret of the evil dastardly QVC network plot to assassinate Thomas Kinkade. Kinkade's crime? Painting amazingly similar looking landscapes with lots of soft light and cute little cabins next to rivers. But Bob feels for him, because he too paints amazingly similar looking landscapes with lots of soft light but instead of cabins uses plenty of cute little trees and mountains next to the rivers.

It's simple! It's easy to follow! It's a paint-by-numbers plot from a paint-by-numbers kinda guy -- coming soon, to a theatre near you! "In a world where some men are born to kill....where some men are born to paint...there's one fearless man who puts painting ahead of killing. A man with brushes for brains, who uses LIGHT RED OIL CINAMMON#7834 as his weapon...a man of principle. A painter. A partner. A friend. That man is.....(big music swell here)...BOB ROSS. And he's got a code that'll unlock a mystery. The mystery of the murder of masterpiece makers. The Bob Ross Code. "

Have a good weekend, keep your pants up around Ian McKellen, and by all means buff my scrotum.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:30 PM