Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Lighting fires to meet the strange--who'da thunk it?

Comes now a certain Matthew Damsky (his "Jodi Foster Needs Me Society" award above, courtesy of John Hinckley, Jr., who's pictured at right). Damsky, a student at the University of Central Florida, cops to setting fire to the Academic Village dormitory where he resided. So you're asking: just why did our Matt become an arsonist?

He told police: so he could meet chicks as they evacuated. I've heard of lottsa schemes to do a little Eve-teasing, but me be just a skosh unsure about our boy Matthew's style, here.

Ya wanna meet the bints, ya gotta go where the experts play: he could've used some lessons, goddammit, from no less a personage than me, Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines! I've pulled birds from Toledo to Tokyo, most of whom still had all their teeth, so I know what the goddamm hell I'm doing. Just call me: Nigel the Nookynator.

It's easy when you rely on my expertise. For example, he could've simply shambled over to his potential paramour and, pre-soaked handkerchief in hand, asked all doey-eyed and such: "Excuse me, does this smell like ether to you?"

This has worked wonderfully for me in the past. Mostly. OK, well, in the interest of full disclosure, there was this one time, but since the Delaware statute of limitations hasn't passed on it yet, your inquiring little minds will get NO details until 2009. Can you wait that long? If not, you may simply buff my scrotum.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:12 PM