Where your Nigel hires a girly nurse...
It's me, your old Smegmaster! At your service, shitstains! I must be feeling better because all my natural bile and gristle is bubbling back to the surface.A story from the hospital files: my second ex-wife actually visited me whilst I was on my death bed, mostly I think to reassure herself that the endless goddamm spigot of cash flowing her way would continue to overflow her goddamm mailbox on a monthly basis.
When I heard she was coming I tried to warn Tim, the gay male nurse, thusly: "Tim, you homo, and not that there's anything wrong with that, look up in the sky and check for buzzards! Madame Twatface is on her way! If you don't see the birds, you'll know by the obscene olfactory offering hitting your brain moments before she rounds the ward corridor corner. She smells like ass, Tim, ass, I tell you!!!!"
But see, Tim being a turd burglar (and there's nothing wrong with that); he must like the smell of ass. That's the only way I can explain the warm welcome laid on for the Wicked Witch of The West when she arrived. Dammit. Tim is a rump ranger, a flagman from the tubesteak cavalry, and need I say it pretty damn good at washing wee willy winky during bed baths. Tim, I miss you.
Anyhow. Enough retarded rambling for now. I have contracted with a private nursing company to provide pulchritudinous nursing attention my way, 24-7, until the short term disability runs out. I will try to regale you, my loyal shlubbies, with cleavage-centered photos of whoever they send over. I specifically requested female, young, nubile, great legs, and wearing a short short white nurse's outfit. The assholes at the agency told me to fuck off and that I should "call craigslist because you are obviously a pervert", and after I acknowledged this ("and...what's wrong with that?") I managed to talk them into at least trying to find someone, er....appropriate.Photo above right is what I emailed them as a friendly guide to the selection of someone who fits the bill.
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 8:11 PM
6 Comments:
sounds like old Tim, there, is a Poof, a Twink, a Pole-Vaulter, a Dicksmoker, a Shit-Eating-Cock-Master, and a Schwantz-Licker...
... a Gerbil-killing, belching, Felching, Squeal-Like-A-Pig, reach-around type of Fudge-Packing, Winky-Boy, Cum-Dumpster.
he must suck a lot of cock in his spare time, then, 'cause it sounds as if he's a gay, queer, funny-that-way, Show-Tunes-Singin', Barbara-Streissand-Record-Collectin', Cross-Dressin', Rootin' Tootin' Village People Fan Club Attending, no-nonsense, Butt-Plug-Ownin', Ride-the-Baloney-Pony kind of Sperm-Burping, Flaming Butt Pirate and Shrimpin' Boat Fleet Rear Admiral sort of guy.
not that there's anything wrong with that...
"jpxkw"
B-\
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Be sure to give your new nurse a "tip", if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind man.
"Pulchritudinous - Nice fucking word.
Here's to you getting yourself a hot nursie to replace your tailgunning wienerwasher.
Hope your new nurse is as hot as the picture.
"Craigslist"? I didn't know those services were offered there? I would have suggested an escort service. :)
Glad your feeling better.
You do sound like yourself. I'm glad Nigel Jr. is nice and clean.
That's the second "pulchritudinous" occurence this weekend for me. Maybe I'd better go play the ponies.
You wish . . . . . . .
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