Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Hooray for Hollywood!

Didja watch the Oscars?

Me neither.

Reading the paper today, I found that the list of winners were all a bunch of goddamm foreign illegal aliens. They included:

• Best Actor: Tristan Hamish MacDougal (right), as Gabby, the cleft-palate with a heart of gold, in "I'm Not Mumbling, I'm Scottish". During his acceptance speech, he brought the audience to tears with this moving tribute to his wheelchair-bound mother: "Boggin? Och aye! A bit fousty, dinna ya ken! No the noo. When ah met yer Senga doon the toun, we had a richt gud blether the gither as the po wee hen be skivin. W'mater til ma wee sporran ya...ach! Iva g'minda beatye roond the chops wita wee haggis y'noo!". Rumors of an aneurysm allegedly suffered by the TV transcription service worker assigned to the Oscars are just that--rumors--and remain unconfirmed at press time.
  
• Best Actress: Sophie Danielle de Montegnard (right). Unforgettable as Fifi, the sad and ugly French prostitute with a heart of gold, who shaved her armpits and then went off to seek her fortune in New York, in "La Plume De Ma Tante Est Sur La Table".
• Best Supporting Actor: Javier Jesus Maradona de la Hoya Maricon (right), for his stirring performance as Jaffa the Jungle Boy, the Venezuelan ghetto child with a heart of gold, who runs away from his abusive alcoholic lottery playing tia and finds fame and fortune as a circus performer in "El Elefante Tiene Un Tronco, (Pero Tengo Solamente Una Maleta)" (The Elephant's Got A Trunk, But I've Only Got A Suitcase).
• Best Supporting Actress: Jenna Jameson (right), as...aw, hell. You can figure this one out on your own.
  

There you have Nigel's Oscar roundup. Up next: the Grammy Awards! My money's on Neil Young for his astonishing and moving alt-rock/reggae/hip-hop/cabaret style re-working of his huge hit, Heart Of Gold. How about you?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:09 AM