Moobs, splinters, the pool, and $1,000
I'm getting the deck above my pool refinished. For about $1,000, I've been assured by the contractor (who's a personal friend, so I know I'm not gonna take it up the flutter on this one) that it'll come up looking brand, spanking new.The spanking part kinda turned me on. If you were with me here at chez blogorama last summer, you know that I actually succeeded in coaxing a real, live girl to come to my house, partially disrobe, and jump in the pool avec moi. Plus, she was a redhead, and that alone was enough to make tiny Percy wake up and try to take a look around. If you know what I mean.
Luring this lass to the pool was, for me, an accomplishment the magnitude of, say, man landing on the moon.
Problems began almost immediately. First, there's the displacement issue. Because I'm, um, hefty, me jumping in the pool causes an immediate raising of the water
level. This was noticeable to my guest, who pointed and laughed right at me. Then again, maybe she was amused by my moobs ("moobs"--man boobs). And then, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get her to come over to my side of the pool. So it sort of was like an eighth grade dance; boys lining the wall on one side, girls on the other. Staying on her side of the pool, she'd swim and stop and toss her red mane. Smile at me *sob*.She was driving me insane with her little green thong bikini, and she knew it. The tease. The hussy. The mynx. The vixen. The trollop. The rigazza. The bint.
So, plan B. Over drinks on the deck I started to make some progress. My suave and debonair ways were certainly having their effect. That, plus her drinking 6 shots of Patron. Just as I was going to make my final move, the one that always works (this is where I walk up to the girl with a pre-loaded handkerchief and say "excuse me, does this smell like chloroform to you?"), she stands up and immediately gets a splinter in her foot. From my needing-to-be-refinished deck.
Well, shit. I offered to suck it out. She was having none of that, because I'd previously revealed to her my foot fetish. Eventually we got it out courtesy of a sewing needle, but the mood was lost. My moment had passed. Unsteadily, she hobbled out to her mini-van. I'm trotting after her, moobs bouncing, begging her to stay. "You haven't smelled the handkerchief yet!", I cried. "Please, please, don't go! Let's have sex! I'll pay you! How much for 30 minutes?"
No luck. As I watched the Toyota Sienna back down the driveway and cruise out of my life forever, tears rolled down my fat, chipmunk-like cheeks. And I swore to myself that I'd get the deck fixed so there'd never be any splinters again.
Unfortunately, it also appears there'll never be any girls again, either.
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:52 AM
13 Comments:
Nigel, I don't know about not getting girls again. Sounds like you are working on the ultimate babe lair. Keep those chick traps coming pal. You will land one of them....
Flyinfox_SATX
RIGAZZA??
:0]
WTF? Is that Italian for Poooota? I think i smell a lil healing ointmentz goin' on here.....
it's a lovely trait, one's own ability to laugh at shit like this.
"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"
God that cracked me up! Hey man. Get your deck done and get yerself a disco ball. That'll get the chicks! Funny post Nigel - very funny!
LMAO! I was going to say if your pool was open for naked all you had to do was invite us untill I read that lol.
I KNEW i'd find it if i kept lookin'
I fell asleep last night thinking about you and your penchant for chloroform as a social lubricant
BECAUSE there's this lady who just had her dog cloned
(this story gets sexier i promise)
well come to find out this broad is a Freaky Deaky (freakier than paying some Korean Lab to clone her damn dog for $50,000)
a ginormous Lubed up skeleton came outta her closet involving
CHOLOFORM and kidnapping/sex hostaging some mormon choirboy
(i am not making this up have you heard this story?!?)
so
sorry about jacking up your comments in your latest post....
i really have been a Lurker around here...you still write some Funny shit and as a matter of fact - the shit is even funnier...for real, i wouldn't lie to you about something like that.
:0]
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