Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Randomosity

I have lost a shitload of weight, mums and dads, and am ready to parade myself amongst the hoi polloi, all jazzed up and jizzed up. Maybe 50 pounds so far. At this point, I've gone from looking like Jabba The Hut (me, at left, three months ago) to Sidney Greenstreet (he of the "Maltese Falcon", pictured at right). Yes, I'm damn sexy, if you consider Drew Carey hot. And he's better looking than me. So, it's onward and upward for your loyal Nigel, and I hope to regale you with nasty, erotic-type stories of my exploits with willing nubility in the days to come.

Or, more realistically, my wanking schedule. But yiz takes what yiz can git, right, boyo? If I could just find an attractive, sexy, willing woman interested in bondage and Russian literature, then by gum I'd be set for life. There I'd be, regularly providing her the most disappointing 25 seconds of her life while screaming "oh, baby, baby, was it as good for you as it was for me?" and of course she'd be snorting. Like a horse.

Speaking of horses, isn't that Sex And The City movie out now, with what's her equine face in the lead? I always thought she was hot, in a barnyard threshing hay kinda way. Her husband, that homo (and not that there's anything wrong with that} Matthew Broderick Crawford, is about 100 years old and was a movie & TV star back in 1955 ("Highway Patrol"...remember?). What's up with that?

Speaking of Broderick Crawford (above left), I'm no longer doing so, and instead am thinking about Robert Mitchum. Now, THERE was a man. Simultaneously banging Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield while smoking weed at 3am in 1948, shit man, this guy was the BOMB. I liked how he glided across the screen.

Speaking of gliding, what's the deal with Tom Cruise, that homo Scientologist whack job?

Speaking of Scientologists, what would make them believe in a religion that was created out of whole cloth by some fiction writer 45 years ago? On second thought, I'd become a Scientologist if it got me "where it counts" with that half-Iranian chick who was on Jag. Catherine Ahmadinejad? Was that her name? Wait, no: Catherine Bell. There she is at right. She has a loverly bunch of coconuts.

I'm off to my ADD support group now. Can ya tell? See ya, shlubbies.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:26 PM