Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

My restaurant review of....me!

My good friend and secret desire Loving Annie writes some of the most amazing hotel and restaurant reviews around...I've been seriously encouraging her to submit professionally, because her stuff is clear, cogent, very objective, amazingly detailed, with marvelous word economy and vivid imagery. Perfect for a travel magazine. See her blog for yizzelf if yiz don't believe ol' Nigel.

Being shallow and also jealous, I figure what's good for Annie is good for the gander: I can do this, too. I mean, how hard can it be? You eat and you opine. Eating? Check. I weigh considerably less than, say, six months ago, but still, one cannot look at me without saying to oneself, "shit, that guy hasn't missed many meals". Opining? C'mon, shlubbies: what the fuck do you think?

But since I'm economizing lately, staying in, not going out, I thought I'd start with some leftovers, and see what I could do review-wise. Herewith, my clinical dissection of selections from le fridge du Nigel.

We begin by opening the icebox door. Waving off the fruit flies, we peruse the victuals on offer. Settling on some leftover steak, we remove it from the Kelvinator and begin.

Carefully, we lift the styrofoam container and note immediately the nose. Aromas of...it's hard to say...a slightly pungent scent of cooked flesh combined with the wafting scent of an Olympian's armpit--clearly, here, we have something to work with. But could the expiration date have passed? NO! Careful remembering through the omnipresent Sambuca induced haze reminds one that this steak was grilled recently--just eight nights ago--and so, is still relevant to the important discussion contained herein.

Moving forward, and sad to say, the microwave reheating experience leaves much to be desired. The settings on this GE "Piece of Cheap Shit Model 505A" aren't sensitive enough to carefully calibrate the required temperature. A disappointment, to say the least.

Removing the previously live cow from the microwave, and scraping off what looks like cooked mold, it's set carefully on the plate. The presentation bites the flaming pole of manhood, however; there's not much to inflame the senses (except, perhaps, one's gag reflex). Still, in an effort to "round out" the scarfing experience, one places some cold, precooked mushrooms next to the steak. But what's missing? Some fucking parsley, that's what. Whoever invented parsley must be related to P.T. Barnum. A sucker born every minute, yes, and let's not forget idiots who place this green sorry excuse for dental floss atop your dinner. Does anyone eat this shit? Me, I think not. Parsley is like fruit cake--there's one stalk, just like there's one fruit cake, and it gets recycled for ever and ever, amen.

Shlubbies, setting aside all the kitchen backbiting bullshit politics and jealousy, I have to say that the actual dining experience is pure haute cuisine. If you're a French rat, that is. Just kidding. As is required with most food from the Nigel kitchen, slathering liberal amounts of Heinz ketchup over everything tends to even out the strange tastes.

A perfect accompaniment--warm, flat Pabst Blue Ribbon. Now we're cooking with gas! Settling down in front of reruns of Cannon on TV Land, I confess the taste is truly indescribable; a combination of the best Swanson's TV dinners has to offer along with...what is that flavor? Could it be: decay? Perhaps. But the goddamm 57 varieties Heinz has to offer up truly kills the worst of the six or seven varieties of decomposition offered here on the plate. Oh, the mushrooms taste really fungussy, by the way.

As for atmosphere, the Johnny Cash music in the background combined with that dead fuck William Conrad ("as Cannon") added nothing to the dining experience.

Overall, it's 3 stars out of 4. Nigel could do better, but on the whole the dinner didn't blow. Excuse me now whilst I traipse my way to Walgreens in search of some Pepto Bismol.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:17 PM