Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Nude in the pool, police notified, Nigel scaaared.

Swimming, naked, is a good thing, and I do this daily in my backyard pool. Up till last night, this wasn't a problem. Details, I know you want, so here goes, my adored shlubbies:

The pool chez Nigel is nearly 100% private, surrounded by tall elms and palms and oaks, and during the summer, fully leaved and overgrown, I thought there was only minimal visibility from the prying eyes of my goddamm neighbors.

But, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Let me set the stage for you. There's me, fat and disgusting (but, losing weight, i must admit), wrapped in a towel, walking off the deck to jump in. Towel dropped and there's proud little, hollow Percy available for all with a telescope/microscope to see; I'm in the water and it's great. Lovely, cool, perfectumungo.

Now, let me hasten to reassure, I'm not doing anything other than paddling around. There are no guests, certainly no women, and I'm not wanking or anything. Just...paddling. 15 minutes, out of the pool and because of the coolness, Percy is even tinier than normal, fully retracted, so to speak...nothing to see, knowwhudimean? Back in the house, shorts on, snap on the Philco, crack a PBR Ultra Light, and I'm settling in to a rousing "Battle of the New York Pizzas" on the Food Network. To be interrupted by....

**DING-DONG!**

Roused from my tv, I pad to the front door and lo and behold it's the county police. Now, regular readers of this drivel will know that in the past I've had some run ins with neighbors and as a result have enjoyed both providing and receiving the hospitality of our public servants in blue...so they knew me.

"Mr. Howle-Raines?"
"Yes, officer, what can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, you can start by making sure that you wear something next time you take a dip in your pool."
"I see."
"Yes, sir, if you'd like to avoid a follow up visit when we WILL arrest you, be assured, please make sure you're wearing something outside when you swim."
"I'll do that, Kojak", I didn't really say that, but I was thinking it. "Did you receive a complaint?"
"Yes, sir, the parents of the teenage daughter next door complained."
The girl in question is over 18 and smoking hot. So, I'm immoral, but not illegal.
"Thanks, Columbo", I didn't really say but was thinking. "I'll make sure not to wave my private parts at the teenage girl next door."
"Good night, sir."
"Good night, there, Mannix, and thanks for watching out for us and solving all our crimes," I said (not the Mannix part).
He looked at me funny and left.

Next up, how to fuck with the next door neighbors in retaliation. I hate them, the bastards.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:52 PM