Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Lose weight now, ask me how!

I weigh about 310 pounds; I'm rattus el gordo, Captain Rotundo, and plenty proud of it. I've worked hard to end up looking like a Brunswick bowling ball. Now, some would say: "Nigel, you need to eat less." My response is always: "I agree. I shall instead, drink more." (see personal motto above profile holder, upper right).

How to turn this excess lard to my advantage? Shlubbies, I like to dispense dieting advice to the general public.

My method: I drive around, window down, chomping on an unlit El Producto and fistfuls of Fritos, the in-dash Alpine blaring Wagner's Gotterdammerung. My classic restored '59 Impala, pictured above, features hand-lettered signs on each side, to wit:

LOSE WEIGHT NOW,
Ask Me How!

I get some funny looks, particularly when stopped at red lights. Huckelberry Hound double-takes. But what's really great is when fat women (it's always fat women) come up to me while I'm parked, asking me how I've lost "all that weight." After checking to see if they're blind--I mean, c'mon, I'm about as big as a battleship--I tell them about my patented beer and wanking diet. Involving Budweiser ingestion and simultaneous "like clockwork" every-four-hours masturbation while staring at pictures of Bea Arthur, this weight loss plan is mostly met with expressions of dismay, disgust, sneering, vocal derision, even outright horror. That's exactly the kind of response I like; it conjures up childhood memories of my late mother and her typical reaction to me--and thus satisfied, I'm off to do more damage around our lovely little shire.

Keep your bowels open and your chin up, stay away from those in law enforcement, and have a charming day!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:44 AM