Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

The National A-ay-u-e-i-a-n-na-thummmmm

There's a special place in hell for singers intent on demonstrating their "skill" with melisma. Primarily used by black women, this NAACP approved protest method is utilized perhaps in an attempt to pay the rest of us back for whatever injustices these ladies perceive themselves to have suffered:
• Aretha Franklin: fat and demanding diva
• Whitney Houston: drugs, previously gorgeous, currently hideous
• Mariah Carey (she's half black): insane, but with extra nice boobies
• Beyonce Knowles: truly lovely, but has butt as big as a Peterbilt
....and the list goes on and on, presumably including the very attractive NFL cheerleader (again, and not coincidentally: black) who, apparently due to her outstanding Junior High glee club attendance record, was selected from among thousands of other metropolitan area bad singers to completely mangle the national anthem at a pre-season football game I attended last night.

Here's how to stop this nonsense:

1. Melismatic caterwauling up and down the treble clef ensues during anthem
2. Crowd votes thumbs up or down (like the Romans used to)
3. Majority thumbs down equals a 15 yard penalty for the home team on the first posession of the game
4. Singer is forcibly removed and air-lifted via military transport to Guantanamo Bay terrorist holding facility; "persuaded" by the CIA to "sing" Israeli folk songs at top volume over extra-tinny loudspeaker. ACLU, Amnesty International, U.N. Bedwetting Society are all simultaneously told to buff my scrotum and piss off when mass suicide of detainees results.

See? Every clou-i-y-a-ed-u-e-e-e-e-a-u-i-u-d has a silver lining, when you let your Nigel have a crack at it!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 5:33 AM