Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Don't blame me, blame the London Times

Comes now this study from the UK, covered by the Times of London with story headline as follows and I quote: "Housework can help you to beat breast cancer, women are told". Researchers found that all women who undertook housework had a “significantly” reduced risk of getting the disease. At left, the photo the Times of London used in their story. No shit. Just so you don't think I'm some kind of misanthropic misogynist douchebag, which I know you don't...right?

Anyhow.

Without having to do any research at all, I herewith release findings from my famous Dr. Nigel study, "What Women Can Do To Decrease Their Risk Of All Kinds Of Maladies":

• "Not going shopping for shoes" adds an average 5 years to your life span;
• Make dinner once in a while, ok? -- zero in-grown toe-nails;
  
• Bring me a beer when I ask for it to significantly reduce your chance of getting the gout;
• "Shutting the eff up" decreases the risk of all cancers, heart disease, kidney problems...basically everything; it should be universally adopted by all women, everywhere, right now.
• Let's not forget this: "Don't hang around Nigel". Adopting Nigel avoidance, which seems to come naturally to all women, eliminates the need to purge/puke/chunder/talk to the toilet/sing lunch/technicolor yawn/round trip meal ticket. On a daily basis, this one tactic significantly relieves more annoying aches and pains than any other action.
  

And there you have it, from the famous Nigel Institute for Advanced Anti-Social Studies. Dr. Nigel is not seeing patients at the present time, so take two aspirin, call me in the morning, and buff my scrotum.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 11:30 AM