Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

House guests can buff my scrotum

Comes now Annette Watkins, of the Four Seasons Hotel chain. Annette has helpful, handy hints if you're planning on having overnight guests in your home. Here are her required (not optional, mind you) accoutrements for your guest room:

• Bottled water and snacks, such as chocolates or truffles.
• Potpourri or scented drawer liners. Room smells nice that way.
• Local magazines and newspapers.
• Inexpensive house slippers that "they can take home with them as a memento."
• A television and CD player with DVDs and CDs they can listen to.
• A menu for breakfast.
  

Let me address Annette's list, one item at a time:
~Bottled water and snacks: Guests at Chez Nigel choose from three lovely sorta clean bathroom taps. Hands are used to form "cups". As for the truffles, sure, I'll get my pet pig on that for ya. He'll root around out there and we can dig 'em up. Aren't I nice?
~Potpourri or scented drawer liners: room smells like ass; hasn't been cleaned in a while, if you don't like it there's a goddamm Motel 6 up the street and they've left the light on for you, just like the radio ad says.
~Magazines and Newspapers: well thumbed, dog-eared copies of "Health and Efficiency Monthly" ok with you? Nudge nudge, wink wink?
~House slippers as "mementos": You have got to be completely fucking joking. Sorry, I have no further comment.
~Television and cd player, stocked: Look, I don't want them hanging around. I want them gone. And the last thing I want them doing is watching my porn collection at 3am with the sound up.
~A breakfast menu: riiiiiiiigght. Gee, um, they're at the printers just now, so patience, please, so sorry....

I suppose Annette would like me to wipe my guest's bottom, too?

To sum up, Annette Watkins (who got a nice little mention here while front desk manager of the Four Season's George V Paris) can buff my scrotum. And if I ever stay in a Four Seasons Hotel, by God I'm gonna hold them accountable. Because if this is their list for home stays, their hotel, at $931 a night for a basic room, better organize a threesome for me, including a taint wax before bed, nightly, and with vim and vigor!

I'm just sayin'.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:45 PM