Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Winter is good: no bloody gardening

One good thing about winter is that you don't have to garden. There's nothing remotely fun or entertaining about being on your hands and knees, joints aching, back throbbing, dirt everywhere, stinking fricking hot, rooting around in worm shit, desperately trying not to kill the plants and flowers and other flora as you pull weeds and trim dead leaves.

Gardening bites the flaming pole of manhood.

Plus you have to put up with embarrassing crapola, like fronting up with the girlfriend to the local Home Goddamm Depot ("You can do it, we can help"--like fun, you bastards; I can't do it and you won't help, so STFU!) and, standing right next to you, she asks the gardening geek on duty: "Got anything that grows to about 7" that I could put in a wet place?"

Charmant, n'est ce pas?

I actually like what they do in Scotland. Drive around any of the city suburbs and you'll find homes with the front yard totally paved over! They use colored concrete, mind you--to create that "outdoorsy" feeling. Example at right.

If it were me, and I was charged with setting up a survey about gardening, I'd ask the following:

What is your opinion about digging in the garden?
______It sucks
______It blows

Disagree? Well, dig this: you can buff my scrotum!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 2:55 PM