Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Maureen McCormick wants me...........to leave her alone...

Tonight, I find myself in Oklahoma City, pleasuring myself to images of Maureen McCormick. Clearly, the number one secret sex kitten for American men who happened to be pre-teens or early-teens in the late 60's/early 70's. Pathetic? Yes, I admit so. Not just because I'm in Oklahoma City, which is sort of like Toledo without the charisma....not just that, but when it comes to the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls, all of them with hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls....the oldest one, Marcia, is the one that causes el-mega-shmega woodrow pants tightening for your humble horndog Nigel.

What got me a-pumping, thinking about this Maureen: last night I saw a stupid TV Land "award show" and the Brady Bunch received an award and Maureen was there. This chick is 51 years old now and doesn't look a frigging single day over 30 and, *sob*, I swear to God if she was in front of me in person right now I'd force her to submit to my will and then provide her--easily--the most disappointing 25 seconds of her life.

Admit it, shlubbies (male ones, at least...and maybe a couple of you lesbo ones, too): you wanked and wanked and wanked to images of Marcia going berserko on ya, dintcha? I know I did. Even now, if she asked me to stand in a goddamm box of squares and look up then down then up then back then sideways, I'd do it. (Especially if somehow I could get her on her knees, doing that very same up/down/back/sideways thing, too...heh heh heh....)

And I stumbled on this recently whilst cable station hopping, late-night-like: a few years ago, Maureen narrated this sex year-in-review movie. Called "Shock Video 2002: America Undercover", it's worth watching just to hear Maureen say words like "fuck" and "cock". Jeez.

Years ago when I was doing radio I met Barry Williams, who played Greg Brady on the show. He was doing the weekend appearance thing that still pays him big bucks, and our station had him at our big annual "Oldies" show, signing photos in the tent outside the arena. I asked about the goddess Maureen, and he admitted after not too much prodding that: he banged her brains out.

What an asshole.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:45 PM