Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Tagged....so here are the 5 reasons....

Apparently I'm supposed to give 5 reasons why I blog. Been "Tagged", ya see: I received this courtesy of Donald James Simpson whose blog Donald James Simpson, Unbalanced, is absolutely tops and required daily reading for me and recommended for all shlubbies perusing my own lame ass blog.

5 Reasons Why I Blog:

1. To pick up chicks. Say I'm in a bar, downing Sambuca Romana and mango juice on the rocks while shoveling tortilla chips into my gullet. I find when I do this, many women point at me from across the room. Christ knows that a 320 pound bald guy with glasses and bad teeth has got to use whatever he's got, and my ability to down snifters of 'buca, being legendary around these parts, clearly get's 'em wet where it counts. So, making my move, I'll say something to my intended victim along the lines of: "Hey, baby, would you like to buff my scrotum?" Then, when they draw back, horrified, I explain that it's just the name of my blog and maybe they'd like to accompany me back to my double-wide where we can log in to Net Zero and read it together on the dial-up? And if that fails, I then pull out the ultimate show-stopper: a pre-soaked handkerchief. "Excuse me, sugar-tits, but does this smell like chloroform to you?" Works every time.


2. To exorcize my demons. I don't have many, but the two main ones are:
1. I think marriage is complete, utter, total bullshit. It sucks the gigantic flaming pole of manhood.
   
2. I truly don't believe there's such a thing as romantic love.


3. To share my philosophy of life. Here it is:
1. "To do is to be" -- Jean-Paul Sartre
2. "To be is to do" -- Albert Camus
3. "Do be do be do" -- Frank Sinatra


4. To practice my touch typinf. DAMN! Typing.


5. To occasionally try to somehow convey the thrill I get when I get that first peek of the brain during an autopsy. When you do what I do for a living, working in the funeral home and processing bodies, about the only thing jiggling (other than el boobios of that new girl back in casket receiving) is the brain of the deceased. And jiggling gives me...well...a knob ache.
   

Hope that helps, boys and girls! Have a thrilling remainder of the weekend, and now it's back to the Leinenkugels for lil ol moi, your compadre, Nigel St. John Regina Smegmatic Howle-Raines.

Oops! One other thing. Occasionally someone inquires as to my name. The deal is: last name is "Howle-Raines". The rest of it I got hit with clearly because my mother and father were complete assholes and wanted me to be laughed at the rest of my life. If you want to be my bud, you can call me "Nigel" or even "Nige". If you don't want to be my bud, you can call me whatever you'd like. Either way, bud or not, I'll address you as "magnolia candy-ass fuckhead sook."

'Kay? Just to clarify.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:30 PM