Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Golf can buff my scrotum

The Masters is on, and I can tell you this: I am donating two large, perfectly formed, smelly turds to Billy Payne, "massa" of Augusta National, who upon receipt can eat them with vim and vigor. See, the whole "I could give a shit" line doesn't do golf justice. Really, it's "I could give endless amounts of shit", since I hate the "sport". Hence, more than one turd.

Golf really, really sucks. I know, because when I was 14, my father forced me to spend a summer caddying.

About that caddy thing: how low on the "how far down can you go" shit list is caddying? Pretty fucking low. You rank right down there with the guy who used to wipe King Henry VIII's fat rear end for a living. Beyond the complete and total disappearing act you're forced to perform--after all, you're a servant, indentured for the round of 18, see, motherfucker, and straighten the fuck up and fly the fuck right--that's the deal, and if you're a class C caddy then by gum I'm only gonna pay you 5 bucks and no tip at all you stupid shit--no, not only are you to disappear, you're supposed to forget all the racist, homophobic, misogynist, jingoistic, bragging about the girls they've got on the side etc. etc. moonbeam bullshit you hear whilst re-clodding the goddamm course or replacing the goddamm pin.

Besides the question of: who's got 5 hours to spare every Saturday that wouldn't be better spent with their kids?--there's the whole repressed homo thing going on, too: 5 hours with "the boys" and then it's off to the locker-room to stare at each other's packages...wow. There are exceptions to the rule, of course, as in what you see at right, but even then the twats involved are mostly ex-Sorority babes who didn't get enough of Joe-Varsity when they were in high school and so are ready to spread pins for any overweight but wealthy corporate COO so long as Mr. Middle-Age Crisis foots the bill for their Porsche and their plastic surgery.

Golf is bullshit and all who play it are assholes.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 8:44 PM