Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Illiteracy in line at the Publix

In line at the local grocery store and my purchase of today's New York Times caused some confusion for the young check-out girl: "A dollar and twenty-five for this? Man! I don't know; guess it's because I don't read none of the papers." I asked her to repeat herself and she said: "I ain't about readin' none of these papers and so it seems expensive to me. "

Now, you know me. The friendly and supportive rejoinders were just on the tip of my tongue. Here's a selection of some I considered unleashing:

• "Don't read none" and "ain't about readin' none." Apparently you never got on the train at the "No Child Left Behind" station?
  
• Doing play-by-play commentary on customer's purchases, are we, now? Great. I'll return the favor; just bring your manager over and I'll let him/her in on how I feel about the job you're doing.
  
• While I certainly appreciate your opinion about my purchase, you illiterate little twat, I doubt you'd be willing to hear what I had to say about the shit you buy. Using food stamps, too, are we, yes?
• Perhaps, instead of you "ain't about readin' none of these papers", you picked one up and with the assistance of your first grade level McGuffey Reader actually made it through the front page--well, perhaps then you'd have a job other than check-out girl at the local choke and puke.

But, dear shlubbies, I controlled myself. I thanked her for her extraordinary work, and will undoubtedly be seeing more of her in the future at her new job at the State Department of Motor Vehicles, drivers license renewal division.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 2:44 PM