Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Can you eat these things?

My blogging buddy Annie has a post on her site: "what foods do you like the best?" To the disgust of loyal shlubbies who peruse my drivel and spew from time to time, I've already answered that question. Of course, we're talking about Vegemite. Now, I realize good old Vegemite is an acquired taste. But one I'm addicted to.

I want to pursue the opposite tack here and reveal the three foods I hate the most. And I'd love your opinion, really:

1. Guacamole. Or as I call it, the "Leavings of Linda Blair." Green gunk perpetrated on us unsuspecting continental USA residents by the Mexican government. Intent on re-acquiring Texas, the Centro de Información de Seguridad Nacional (Mexico's equivalent of the CIA) began infiltrating Taco Bells with this grotesque concoction in the late '70s. Its mind altering properties are designed to soften us gringos up, and in turn provide our neighbors to the south the opportunity to swoop back in and re-take, say, Brownsville on a moment's notice. Though why anyone would want Brownsville in the first place is a good question. The saddest day of my life was when Nigel Jr., aged 11, revealed to me that his mother serves this swill up to him on a regular basis at their house; I'm now thinking about petitioning the divorce court judge to re-open the decree and I'll appeal for sole custody based on this one fact alone.
2. Boiled okra. This...slime...is beyond description. Remember how that alien looked in the movie Independence Day, when they took the shell/armor off in the research lab? That's what this shit looks like. I live in Atlanta, and so must prepare myself gastronomically for any visit to the home of native Southerners. Invariably, this indescribable blechness is served. And don't get me started on the smell. Given how religious people from the deep South tend to be, it's a surprise they eat this stuff. It's biblical, actually, an Old Testament injunction against its consumption, from Leviticus 9:6-7..."Thou shalt not eat boiled okra, or the stem of the okra, or any kind of okra, for lo, it tasteth like shit." So there.
   
3. Durian fruit. Thankfully not generally available in the US. When I was a kid living in Singapore we were served this delicacy up, and I didn't sleep for days afterwards. The smell is indescribable; so bad that the fruit is banned from hospitals in Thailand, where it is naturally grown and otherwise quite popular. There are alleged health benefits to durian consumption, though...how about this quote, lifted directly from www.durian.net: "After having consumed the flesh of two durians with a combined weight (not yet pealed) of about 4 kg, I always cough up phlegm from my lungs." Charming.

So what do YOU think?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:50 AM