Wherein your Nigel almost needs a goddamm wheelchair
I was at the quack's yesterday; been having a bit of trouble walking, and was getting worried that maybe something serious was going on.Doc asks me my symptoms and I freely elaborate: "Doc, I'm just aching. Walking hurts. I have groinicular pain unlike I've ever experienced. Penisocally, I'm feeling bad, man. Cockerspecifically, I'm in trouble. I can't even buff my own scrotum, doc, ya gotta help me, please."
So went the description. Quack did a once over, checking my thighs for bumps and skin tags, and gave a cursory examination to poor little old ignored and unloved Percy. Doc smiles.
I was indignant, and in high dudgeon, let loose: "What's so fucking funny, there, sawbones? I know it's small and all--and it's hollow, too--but shit, you're supposed to be a professional!"
Mail-order med school grad goes: "Nigel, calm down. I'm smiling because I know what's causing your problem."
Me, nervous all of a sudden. "What is it, doc?"
And he tells me that I have something called "vasocongestion".
Mystified and a bit frightened, I ask for elaboration. So the quack starts in: "Nigel, your sympathetic nervous system has increased its inputs to the genital tissues, resulting in increased blood flow. As this happened, other fluid outflow muscles constricted, causing less bodily fluid to leave the area than enter, ensuring a high regional blood pressure. And, since this has not been corrected, blood and lymphatic fluid have tended to pool, and the blood became oxygen-deprived. The technical term for this is vasocongestion."
Goddamm medical doublespeak gobbledy-gook. "Give it to me straight, quack--in plain English."
And the doc goes: "Nigel, you have what's commonly known as blue balls."
I'd never heard of this before and frankly was even more frightened. But he told me the cure: "Nigel, it's simple," he winked. "You need to get some trim." I looked at him, confused. "Trim?" And sawbones gives my arm a nudge, smiling: "Yeah, boy! Get ya some trim! And have some fun while you're at it!"Bewildered, I dragged myself out of the strip center medical office. But I figured, what the hell, if that's what the doctor ordered.
So today, I'm hobbling off to the barber shop to get my hair cut. If this "trim" is the prescription, that should take care of it, right?
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 12:06 AM
12 Comments:
I had that once. It was about as painful as a line drive to the crotch.
Oh yeah, you're supposed to trim your short hairs I think.
Oh Nigel... Maybe you should ask Heidi Fleiss to explain it to you... She can get them pink in no time at all :)
my cousin Angel calls it trim, too.
he was the nineteen year old on the construction site who's ability to hawk a loogie was almost lethal....
he also said if you honk at a girl and she looks right away - she's a whore.
but back to his caling it trim, i always assumed he meant pussy.
so no, getting a haircut might help you a little, but it's only a means to some end.
Hammer--short hairs, huh? I'll give it a try!
Loving Annie--Heidi Fleiss doesn't do it for me. I saw an HBO documentary on her recently...sheesh!
changapeluda--I think he's wrong, it's all about the haircut
Nigel, this condition is just horrible!! an ex boyfriend told me that you can die from this!! and it's totally true, you know. i saved his life. i shoulda gotten a medal for that, man. or am i just that fucking gullible? hehe. :)
I truly hope the trim does just the trick!! :)
Katie--so, you gave him a haircut? How nice of you!!
heheheh :)
alas, poor Nigel...hope you find a worthy stylist ;)
Nigel, yes its a haircut...but it can only be performed by an attractive young female hairstylist. It has to be a private session of course...and you may want to bring some safety equipment for her...like knee and elbow pads and of course a helmet! If its as bad as the doc says it is...she will launch!
LOL at Firefox's comment. My husband had a case of this today.
Feeding him a good dinner seemed to ease the problem a bit.
But not for long as he soon was asking for some trim.
I offered up a slice of homemade cheesecake and that took his mind off things. That was, until I bent over into the fridge to pull out the blueberry topping.
I've heard it called trim -- but mostly by drunk guys over the age of 70. I've also heard it called: pussy,yoni,cat,chocha, beaver, vulva, vagina, cunt, cooze, snatch, gash, slot, hole, honey pot, garden, pie and strange (but only if it's a stranger's).
Did your doc really say "trim"? He must be really old.
My favorite is "entertainment center" !
pooombah!
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