Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

My near encounter with death courtesy of Mike Kenn

Dateline San Antonio: KSAT TV reports that a man was approached at a convenience store by some guy who spun the following yarn: "I have $80,000, and will give you $10,000 to donate the rest to charity. But first ... show me some of your own money so I know I can trust you." Idiot victim proceeds to an ATM and withdraws $7,500 from his bank account to show his good faith. Natch, he was then relieved of his cash at knifepoint.

This reminds me of a story I told on the radio in Atlanta--back in the early 80's, there was a report that Detroit Lions QB Eric Hipple had driven some girl home from a party. They stopped outside her "house"; at that point she gushingly said to Mr. Smartypants Hipple, "No one will believe that you, Eric Hipple, drove me home! My brother's inside the house--can you let me have your wallet so I can run in there, show him your license, and prove to him that it's really you?" Hipple obliged, girl jumps out of the car carrying said wallet and all his cash, and promptly disappeared.

So I'm on the air mocking Hipple. Altering my voice to sound like a retard, I was saying things like "Fooootball. I play foooootball." Basically, playing off the stereotype of the dumb football player--right? So, to commercials I go, and while they're playing the inside line rings. It's the receptionist, telling me that I have someone on the line who wanted to speak to me, NOW. Sure, I said, who is it?

And she goes: it's Mike Kenn from the Atlanta Falcons.

Now, Mike Kenn (left) was at that time a starting offensive tackle for the Falcons. He was (and still is) GIGANTIC: 6'7", 275 pounds, lean muscle, just a huge, aggressive, 5-time Pro Bowler. I'd met him before at charity events the radio station did with the Falcons, and he seemed nice enough, but certainly not someone you wanted to cross. This time, I'd crossed him. Yikes!

Talk about sphincter-tightening time. I figured that Mike was gonna kill me. So I rolled tape and it went something like this (I played it back on the air after the commercials were done):

ME: "Mike Kenn from the Falcons is on the line, hi Mike, you're on the air--what's on your mind?" (as if I didn't know).
MIKE: "Heard you talking about dumb football players."
ME: (nervously) "Um, yeah Mike, it was a story about how one of the Lions got ripped off in a cheesy scam."
MIKE: (voice rising) "Ok, but DUMB FOOTBALL PLAYERS?"
ME: (terrified) "Mike, calm down, I didn't mean all football players!"
MIKE: (still angry) WELL, WHAT DID YOU MEAN, THEN?"
ME: (crapping my pants) "Um, Mike, this is Eric Hipple we're talking about here. You know--the quarterback. I was making fun of Hipple."
MIKE: (long silence) "Hipple, huh? The quarterback?"
ME: (hoping to go to heaven after he kills me) "Uh--yes, Mike, the quarterback, Eric Hipple."
MIKE: (long silence) "Well..ok then. That makes sense. He is an idiot. Never mind."

And he started laughing. And I started crying, from sheer relief!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:50 AM