Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Thoughts on turning 50

Now that I'm officially 50:

• I've got the face I deserve, according to philosophers. When I look in the mirror, all I think is: "I hope them there philosophers were wrong."
  
• Hangovers are definitely different now. Before, they were headaches that went away within 3 hours. Now, I feel like I've been hit by a baseball bat. It's like having the flu, but without all the fun normally associated with that.
• I meet young nubility now and there's a sense of safety they derive from being in my presence. It's almost like I'm their protective uncle.
  
• BUT: that goddam "drive" get worse, if that's even possible. This is the crux of my problem, you see: I am a for real honest to God dirty old man, I'm ashamed to say. My idea of a good retirement location is a college town where I can rent an apartment with a balcony and sit out there all day, drinking sambuca and smoking Balkan Sobranies, and perve on the 20 year old pulchritude passing by on their way to class. Can someone help me with this? I mean it. I want NOT to be that way. 'Tis a conundrum.
• I haven't as yet joined AARP, despite their repeated entreaties for me to do just that. They're a bunch of commies who are agitating for universal health care, free love, legalized abortions containing marijuana, and colon-rectal scans all paid for on the taxpayer's dime. Or something similar. But I do like their magazine.

Alone again, naturally.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 11:58 PM