The ropes course and other motivational nonsense
Yesterday at the funeral home we endured one of those "how to be a better manager and pump everyone around you up while you improve productivity and by the by, let's take a ropes course while we craft our very own mission statement" bullshit motivation sessions.The home's owner, Mr. Wiges, has decided that we're all too goddamm selfish and that we need to work better "as a team." This "as a team" crap doesn't move my give a shit meter one bit. I'm not even sure how what I do qualifies as a team task -- after all, embalming isn't really conducive to "attaboy, way to go" camaraderie -- but me being the all giving guy I am, well, hell, I just had to take part. I'm slightly dazed and rumpled after the fact. And I've got some unanswered questions:
What's with the fucking ropes course? Since Carmella in casket receiving got fired, there's not even one woman I work with who I'd consider, er...tying up. I was ready to use the ropes for hangman's nooses by the time the whole flaming silly business was done. So, a complete waste of time.- Mission statements suck the pus oozing hose. No one believes them 5 seconds after they've been written. Here's my personal mission statement: "Spend as much time as possible not crafting mission statements." My first attempt at a mission statement for the home was met with steely glares from Mr. Wiges. It went like this: "Weston Wiges Funeral Home is committed to selling you the most expensive goddamm gold plated casket possible. Our services include overcharging for flowers, billing you for the Kleenexes used by grieving relatives, and charging you for premium gas for the limos when in fact we only use regular. We put the "take" in "undertaker" and we're really, really good at it. Will that be cash or credit card?"
posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:23 AM
3 Comments:
A truer mission statement I've never read.
Glad to see your back to your pissiverous self.
My favorite mission statement?
We don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.
We only want to be succesful enough to get bye.
I don't know .... something about the staff of a funeral home doing a ropes team-building exercise should be in a Wes Anderson film or something.
Write a screenplay and we'll retire to the islands.
La Sirena: yeah, it's amazing, and pretty funny, isn't it? My boss thinks he's running a Fortune 500 corporation here. Pffffft.
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