Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

One more reason to hate my pool

Out on the deck this morning, right by the pool, and I find this gigantic, huge, slithering, coiled up thing sunning itself by the skimmer closest to the sun chairs. Yes, friends, it was a snake. A big, nasty, disgusting, crawling on its belly reptile.

I hate fucking snakes. Snakes, spiders, creepy-crawly anything, frogs, slugs, toads, butterflies, and all manner of God's marvelous creations: keep them wide the bloody hell away from me.

I spotted this thing, and I must say, it was just as well I was wearing a brown swimsuit. After wadddling back inside to clean myself up, I returned outside with battle plans in mind. How to get rid of Satan? Call 911? I rejected this out of hand, because I didn't want to deal with Shinquaneesha laughing at me on the other end of the phone. A broom? Too...close. Yelling at it? Do snakes have ears? Spraying it with Windex? Why not, it works for everything else, and at least the snake would be squeeky clean. Nope, rejected that, too.

So finally I hit upon the idea of turning the hose on this thing with the nozzle bored down tight so the water would hit it hard, in a nice continuous stream. Added advantage: I could do this from 20 feet away. The snake wouldn't even see me, let alone be within striking distance.

So whammo! A water bath for Beezlebub! And this snake didn't like it one bit, uncoiling, moving REALLY FUCKING FAST (shit, the thing could outrun me; thank God I was nowhere near it) off the deck and onto the grass where it promptly disappeared down a hole right next to the deck. Great. So now I have an anaconda living under my pool deck.

Sometimes I wonder why I ever moved out of my apartment. It had all I neededd: one room, a kitchen, a bathroom, bookshelves, cable. And no flaming snakes.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:51 AM