Friday, October 20, 2006

My preliminary Christmas list

Because I've been a good boy and haven't had any problems with the law for over 13 months now: herewith, my first stab at a Christmas wish list. Santa, you fucking asshole, you better come through this time, or I'm going to be even more unmanageable than usual.
  • Sig P220 Carry. Because blowing the shit out of things I don't like is my God given right, and Sigarms is the greatest company on the face of the earth. Oh, how I love them.
  • Violet Crumble Bars. 3 boxes. If you're going to eat sugar, eat the best. If you've never had one of these (and chances are you haven't), treat yourself.
  • One good night's sleep, uninterrupted by my goddamm prostate (which is the size of an Idaho baked potato)...just one night where I sleep solidly all the way through till morning. This hasn't happened in 12 years. This would be maybe the best present I could get.
  • One hour with Bea Arthur. She's got a face like a box of frogs. Mmmmmm, she gets my motor running.
  • Alternatively, perhaps some private time with Salma Hayek? I'm guessing I'd be good for about 25 seconds. Brief, yes, plus they'd be the most disappointing 25 seconds of her life. Pour moi, mais, je serais heureux comme porc dans la merde.
  • One "thank you" from my can't understand normal thinking (what an acronym!) ex-bloody-wife, who's living the life of Riley courtesy of your humble Nigel. Why? Because I'm paying all her bloody bills. Spends her days hanging around, making the world safe so she and her yenta hen-pack of friends can go eat lunch at Taco Bell.
That's it. Now, you fat bearded bastard, get to work like the rest of us. I'll expect goodies down the chimney bright and early 25 December, or else.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:39 PM

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