Monday, July 02, 2007

Hell wedding, for real

Oh. My. God. I was at this wedding Saturday and it was flat out awful. I have been to funerals that were more fun. No kidding now, here's how it went down:
  • Bride comes walking down the aisle with daddy, sobbing. No kidding. At first it looked like she was going to throw up. Then it became clear she was crying.
  • At altar, bride can't stop crying. Flower girl goes to mother in aisle 2, gets a tissue, interrupts proceedings to allow bride to compose herself.
  • During vows, bride cannot bring herself to look at groom. Looks down at ground, then stares at his hand the whole time as she's putting on the ring. Never once smiles or looks at groom.
  • During the "you may kiss the bride" business, bride pulls away from groom.
  • At reception--no laughing. Just a tight, fake half-smile.
  • Groom is in a daze, doesn't know what hit him.
On second thought, regular readers of this drivel will know how I feel about marriage. So, in effect, the groom was getting a good taste of what the rest of his life will be like. Poor shlub.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 10:18 AM

5 Comments:

At 11:18 AM, Blogger none said...

Did he get laid that night though is a more important question?

Or maybe more important Nigel, did you?

(I know you won't screw corpses, not even the 'reel purty' ones as you have more respect for the dead, but brides, bridesmaids or even mother of the bride/groom are all there for the banging.

Then you have the waitresses .. .. .. .. ..

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines said...

Nah, but you shoulda seen the bridesmaids! Freakin' smokin' hot. Half Asian girls, gorgeous, one of them works at Hooters and clearly has the two main qualifications to do so.

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger none said...

So did you????

Or did you just get to keep that mental image in the 'Wank-Bank'.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines said...

Aw, baby, I'd marry you in three seconds flat. So don't be feeling any of this "I was the bridesmaid" shitola.

Here's the deal: marriage is BULLSHIT and total fucking CRAP and therefore not to be considered SERIOUSLY by anyone who has any SMARTS.

With that in mind, will you marry me?
pffffffffffffffffffffffft.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger Deech said...

"The Preacher asked her and she said 'I do'"
"The Preacher asked me, and she said, 'He Does Too!'"
"The Preacher says, 'I pronounce you 99 to life.'"
"Son she's no lady, she's your wife!"

-Courtesy of Lyle Lovett from his album, Pontiac.

 

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