Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

Too many bananas, not enough time

Yesterday, when I was dropping Nigel Jr. off with his mother, she actually spoke to me.

Note the date, because this is a rare occurrence indeed. The ex-Mrs. Howell-Raines isn't garrulous around your humble reporter; no, she tends to communicate with me using a combination of grunts, wheezes, and hand signals. It's a little bit like talking with Washoe, that famous lab chimpanzee who could understand English and form sentences using his huge arms and gigantic flapping lips. At right, a picture of Washoe (not, this is NOT the ex-wife, though there are some similarities.)

The witty Washoe reference isn't a bad analogy, actually, because here's what she asked me: "Hey, do you like bananas?"

Do I like bananas? Well, sure, I guess. I'm a potassium whore from way back, and the best way to mega-dose is to down a 'nana or two. Now, because I'm such a lousy ex-husband and provider, she receives free food shipments, and this time she'd somehow managed to score a treasure trove of bananas. So when I said, sure, I'll scarfamonge a banana or two, she happily turned over a huge box of the things to me.

So now I've got like, 785 bananas sitting on my kitchen floor. My whole house smells like the Dole plantation in Hawaii. What to do with all the bananas?

And then it hit me, like the fist of an angry God! I got all excited, like a retard at a pudding convention!

The answer: daiquiris! I could throw the bastards into my trusty Waring blender, and create alcohol heaven for days on end. Yay! So, my loyal shlubbies, I'm at it right now, at 5:31am on Labor Day, a-laborin' away with the mixers and the rum and the sugar and the lemon and lime juice and the 785 bananas.

Come on over to chez Nigel for cocktails, my dears. I'll be waiting!

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 5:21 AM