Spiders. Sex. Eight arms to hold you....
Turns out
spiders like to talk dirty while doing the bumpy nasty hummana hummana.
This study gives details, though why you'd want to read it I don't know (must be bored with the same old un-updated stuff on
myfreepaysite.com, eh?)
Anyhow, the
female spider gets vocal while the male gets busy, emitting high pitched "squeeks" while knocking boots (all eight of them). She's telling him what to do, according to the study. God, does that sound familiar, mais moi, je digresse.
So I'm thinking:
what exactly is the female spider saying during coitus? Perhaps:
- "Oh, you hairy boy, I love it when you pedipalp my chelicara!"
- "After you get me off, why, I'll eat you, too!....um...literally. I mean it."
No word on what gay spiders say to each other while engaged in hideous, depraved filth; none would participate in the study as they were all
too busy listening to Judy Garland records.
How 2006 went for me, mostly.
This picture sums up the year 2006 from my perspective pretty well.
Don't blame me, blame the London Times
Comes now this study from the UK, covered by the
Times of London with story headline as follows and I quote:
"Housework can help you to beat breast cancer, women are told". Researchers found that all women who undertook housework had a “significantly” reduced risk of getting the disease. At left, the photo the Times of London used in their story. No shit. Just so you don't think I'm some kind of misanthropic misogynist douchebag, which I know you don't...right?
Anyhow.
Without having to do any research at all, I herewith release findings from
my famous Dr. Nigel study,
"What Women Can Do To Decrease Their Risk Of All Kinds Of Maladies":
- "Not going shopping for shoes" adds an average 5 years to your life span;
- Make dinner once in a while, ok? -- zero in-grown toe-nails;
- Bring me a beer when I ask for it to significantly reduce your chance of getting the gout;
- "Shutting the eff up" decreases the risk of all cancers, heart disease, kidney problems...basically everything; it should be universally adopted by all women, everywhere, right now.
- Let's not forget this: "Don't hang around Nigel". Adopting Nigel avoidance, which seems to come naturally to all women, eliminates the need to purge/puke/chunder/talk to the toilet/sing lunch/technicolor yawn/round trip meal ticket. On a daily basis, this one tactic significantly relieves more annoying aches and pains than any other action.
And there you have it, from the famous
Nigel Institute for Advanced Anti-Social Studies. Dr. Nigel is not seeing patients at the present time, so take two aspirin, call me in the morning, and
buff my scrotum.
My last vacation roundup post
Having drunk gallons of this marvelous amber fluid, Victoria Bitter, over the last two weeks, I am now hopelessly addicted. Upon returning to Podunkville I frantically search my local Boozerama but to no avail. In despair, I consult the Internet. Stumbling upon this web site faq answer from the purveyors of what is undoubtedly the world's finest beer, I start to cry:
QUESTION: Is Victoria Bitter available in the USA?
ANSWER: VB is not available to be purchased by the general public in the USA and due to the laws of the Food & Drug Administration and US Customs it is not possible to arrange personal shipments. Product requires additional labelling including the Surgeon General's Warning, in some states a license is required to receive alcohol and import tariffs are charged at a Federal & State levels which along with shipping costs makes the consignment very expensive. For these reasons we do not arrange personal deliveries and can only advise that it is a very difficult exercise. Our strategy at this time does not include the distribution of VB in the USA.
More reasons to kill myself.
Qantas....world's safest airline
Typical Aussie humor: the
featured movie on the QANTAS 747 from Sydney to L.A?
Snakes On A Plane. Is that perfect, or what?
This from the same country that once had a
Prime Minister, Harold Holt, disappear in the surf back in 1967. Went swimming at Cheviot Beach (photo, left) in Victoria, never came out, who knows?
Harold Holt: chum. And the
official memorial location for Mr. Holt, in Melbourne, is: a
swimming pool, eponymously named. I'm not kidding.
A swimming pool. For a guy who fucking drowned.Gotta love it.
Trip randomosity
Random observations, now that I'm back:
- In the South Pacific, I didn't miss--
- the dominance of hip-hopification in pop culture. Sure, kids in New Zealand and Australia like rap, but it hasn't taken over the entirety of daily everything, like it has in the USA. Yo, word to your mama, dawg.
- the complete and total commercialization of Christmas. The tiresome bullshit we put up with in the US....well, very little of that was there. Refreshing.
- In the South Pacific, I especially liked--
- traffic roundabouts. Why we don't have them in the US, I don't know, except of course because we're the "greatest country in the world" and as such could never learn a thing from anyone else outside our borders. Right?
- fresh food, everywhere. From little sandwich shops to believe it or not airport cafes, everything fresh and home made. When they ran out, they ran out; nothing pre-packaged. Amazingly tasty everything.
- girls--lots and lots of really really good-looking ones--sunbathing topless on Coogee or Bondi or Bronte or wherever beach in Sydney.
Speaking of Bronte Beach--by all means, visit the gourmet burger cafe there employing perhaps the sexiest waitress in the history of humanity. Tall but not "skinny", blonde, busty, gorgeous, curvy, a smile that will kill you...and she's got a voice that, alone, could put Viagra out of business. A shiver and a sigh from old Nigel, boyos, lemme tell you. I have very helpfully circled the cafe's location in the accompanying aerial Bronte Beach photo at left so all you disgusting horn dogs will know where to go for a glimpse and subsequent follow-up wank in your hotel room.
So many sheep, so little time
Here's the first thing you learn about New Zealand: 44 million sheep, 4 million people. That's 10 sheep for every person. Even the
ugliest guy in New Zealand (that would've been me, during my visit) has a shot with those kind of odds.
And you'll notice this: the
sheep never seem to take a dump. How this is possible, I dunno. I'm on a bus for 5 hours between Queenstown and Milford Sound on the South Island, nothing but the road and me and grazing sheep, and regardless of when I look out the window (photo above left) or whether we're stopped for yet another goddamm tea break or whatever--none of the sheep are letting fly.
Perhaps they're embarrassed? Imagine feeling
urgent intestinal rumblings but having to endure being watched whilst they, um, resolve themselves.
I know how those sheep feel.
Taking a break, shlubbies
I am out of the country for the next few weeks. I plan on terrorizing some Maoris. So, whilst doing so, will be unable to post.
I'm sure you're really sad about that.
See you after Christmas.
I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm flaccid
The world gone mad...and a sign of the times:
Researchers at the University of Oslo are conducting a multi-year study on the potential consequences of global warming on erectile dysfunction.That makes me feel better.
Now, maybe, some of these
damn right wing talk show hosts will finally
listen to Al Gore! If this warming stuff causes problems in the, um, hee-haw department, well, dammit, things will change for sure, and quick smart like.
More on global warming: according to the
Al Gore forum, which publishes his speaking and appearance schedule, Al (at left, suffering from global warming like all of us) was all set to
speak at the University of Tulsa yesterday but had to cancel due to all the snow.
Turns out spiders like to talk dirty while doing the bumpy nasty hummana hummana. This study gives details, though why you'd want to read it I don't know (must be bored with the same old un-updated stuff on myfreepaysite.com, eh?)
