Chili Cookoff final tally: "Rednecks" 100, "Nigel" 0
I got a
pant load at this goddamn
Chili Cookoff, in more ways than one:
- Asshole drunks playing hackysack right next to my bloody tent until who-knows-when, screaming and yelling, fortified with beer beer beer beer beer. Beer.
- Legless girls, done in by Miller Light and schnapps, shirts up on cue. "Show us your tits!" was all it took. Non-stop, till 4am.
- There were no black people there at all. Apparently chili cookoffs are like yard sales--an exclusively "clueless Caucasians" activity. (Yard sales: just what is it with white people selling their shit to each other in the driveway, anyway?)
- More atmosphere, and oh, what a treat: classic rock and caterwauling country cds set on repeat, blasting through the park. An added bonus: the bass was turned up way too much, so it was thump-thump-thump...non-stop, till 4am.
- Tobacco chaws being expectorated, with no regard for where people might want to, um, step.
- Live music: a Steely Dan tribute band--hey, just what I wanna hear--obscure tracks from "Katy Lied" played American Idol style! Plus a Who and Skynyrd tribute band. *Sob*...
- Last but not least, no kidding, there were even a couple Confederate flags fluttering from tents. Fucking racist rednecks.
To sum up:
it was Fellini meets Jim Varney (you know? The "Hey Vern" guy?)...that's what the whole hideous experience was like.
And the
Porta-Johns? Exactly as predicted. Vile, disgusting, smelly, grotesque, horrifying, awful, covered in bodily fluids. I don't even think flies found it appealing. But thanks to that
yummy Pepto Bismol (see previous post), I managed to avoid need for the facilities over the 24 hour duration of
all the fun I experienced. So I'm now hovering by the bathroom here at home, awaiting the release of all that's pent up and held in. I will savor this, I will, when ultimately victory is mine.
The
photo here is chili, alright. But it also resembles what was immediately visible when one
had to visit the bog. Jeez, spare me this next year, please.
Where to crap at the chili cook-off?
Because of a promise I made to a friend of mine 26 years ago ("sure, yeah, that'd be fun, if you ever do that I'll be in it with ya, there'll be
beer and babes and we'll get laid for sure!"), I'm now a "contestant" in a
big-time chili cookoff.My ill-advised promise from 1980? Well, I was younger then, and at the time more than prone to act like a
sex-crazed alcoholic idiot. Now, in 2006, I'm just an alcoholic idiot. Priorities change.
The event is tomorrow and is preceded by tonight's outdoor group debauchery and drunkeness as hundreds of other "contestants" set up their
Coleman grills, Weber kettles, and orgy tents.
I'm too old for this.
Want proof? I'm obsessed with the
porta-potty situation. We're supposed to be at this thing for 24 hours starting about 6pm tonight; other than crapping my pants there seems to be no alternative but to avail oneself of the locally provided plastic "sanitized" (oh,
suuuuure)
urine and feces covered facilities.
Don't you HATE having to use a porta-john, particularly when your number's up and that number happens to be "2"?
So here's my solution: I stopped at WalMart this morning and bought
two big bottles of Pepto Bismol. I figure if I drink it down, all of it, I'll be as
clogged up as morning freeway traffic by about 4pm today, and will make it through the cook-off without needing to free Nelson Mandela at any point.
But by Monday I'll be
releasing chocolate hostages with vim and vigor, all over the place. The Pepto will be done in by then and so will Nigel's bowels. So, fair warning: stay far, far away from me if you know what's good for you.
Islam in the news
Two items that recently caught Nigel's keen (but bloodshot, too much Grey Goose last night) eye:
- Dennis Mitsubishi -- Columbus, Ohio. A radio ad was produced
featuring owner Keith Dennis claimed the dealership would be "launching a jihad on the automotive market....our sales representatives will be wearing burqas all weekend long," and "our prices are lower than the evildoers’ every day. Just ask the pope! Friday is fatwa Friday, with free rubber swords for the kiddies." Apparently rejected by local radio stations; I say too bad and you should buy a car from these guys just on GPs.
- Check this out--a replacement for your dashboard Jesus. It's real, and can be yours for just $22.99.
Peace be upon you, but hey, I've gotta run. I've only prayed to Mecca twice today so far, and I've got three more to go.
Assalum Alaikum, shlubbies!
Desperate actor: "Smiling Bob", the Enzyte guy
The poor guy at left must have
really needed the work. Summer stock, dinner theatre, the occasional convention M.C. job--all that paled in comparison to being on
national TV as the Enzyte guy. That's all going away now, because all those associated with Berkeley Pharmaceuticals, the "inventors" of Enzyte,
are on their way to the hoosegow. Something about fraud, and b.s. claims, and lying. What a surprise. Hey, don't drop the soap, guys, in case someone in there bought your product...I mean, you never know.....
You had to be a serious
frigging loser to order Enzyte. Which brings me back to the
actor who played Smiling Bob in the TV ads.
Years ago, when I used to be on radio, I interviewed the late actor who played
Mr. Whipple in the Charmin' ads. He was a very, very nice man who had a great attitude about
toilet paper and what it meant for him and his family. He only worked a couple weeks a year, was paid handsomely to NOT work doing anything else, and basically had a great life. But everywhere he went,
every single day,
people would stop him. People either believed him to be
really that guy...or realized he was an actor, and joked around with him about the ads. Either way, his TV ad character followed him everywhere he went. He said that among other things, people took particular delight in asking
him to squeeze stuff they had.
Wonder what
people want the Smiling Bob actor to do?
Homeless Soccer World Cup
I shit you not. Please,
just go here, 'cause I know you think I make this drivel up. The
Homeless World Cup is scheduled for Capetown, South Africa, on 24 September. Homeless people from around the world, like the guy at left, from Switzerland, will play fast-paced soccer against other homeless people from other countries (I'm laughing while I'm typing--what's wrong with me?).... The cup itself, plus prizes (like perhaps an indoor location devoted exclusively to bowel movements, complete with genuine virgin never-before-used Charmin' or Cottonelle) are all part of the winnings.
This is serious stuff. There are even pre-tournament
world rankings: see how
your country's bums, mental misfits, drug addicts, and hobos stack up against others when it comes to "the beautiful sport". #1 is Italy; the USA is #27. Apparently
American urban foragers are better at dumpster diving than corner-kicking. BTW, it figures that
Scotland, Ireland, and Australia are all in the top 10; they have some
amazingly athletic alcoholics in each of those countries.
On second thought: this is just more proof that the world is truly coming to an end.
Islamic whack jobs are busy blowing everything up while
homeless people are playing soccer in a world-wide tournament. WTF?
It's time to take the pills.
DFW airport, 'cuz everythin's big in TEXAS!
Exactly
who was the goddamm sadist who designed the airport at Dallas Ft. Worth?It's a 783 square mile monstrosity. Some urban planner was apparently doing 'shrooms one night and,
inspired no doubt by the plate of Chef Boyardee
spaghetti he'd had for dinner, he wrote the plan down. Then, obviously under duress (blackmail, maybe?), the city fathers approved it.
Take it from your pal Nigel: at DFW, NEVER pick up a rental car and then RETURN to the terminal to, say, pick up a colleague who's arriving on a later flight. You need to be a
clairvoyant dyslexic circus act to, via rental car (and good luck getting to the "Rental Car Center"--it's only 154 miles away, in Oklahoma) figure your way back out of the terminal and thence to 183 and either Dallas or Ft. Worth. Signage? The hell with that! Directions? Bugger it. Logical order to where you go and how you get there? You must be joking. And to add insult to injury, these cowboys charge you a toll to get in and out of the bloody place.
After negotiating this and making my way to my Texas hotel, well, my
head hurts. Not hurting as much as, say, JFK's head during his last Dallas visit, but still it hurts. I need some drinks.
A see you in Tahiti in Kalgoorlie Children's Court
Dateline Kalgoorlie, Western Australia (tourist brochure photo at left); from today's
"Australian" newspaper:
An Aboriginal girl who kicked a woman and called her a "white slut" did not engage in racial vilification because the slur was common street language. A magistrate from the West Australian goldfields threw out a landmark race-hate charge yesterday against the 16-year-old, saying the slur against Kalgoorlie woman Melissa Blackney was "the patois of the street".The story continues, with this Magistrate Kate Auty pontificating to those in attendance at
Kalgoorlie Children's Court (mind you: this was
said in children's court, by the judge, with
plenty of, um, children in attendance...):
"'Fuck' is a fairly innocuous word in her argot," Dr Auty said. "That does not mean that I find that language acceptable; it's offensive. And when people come in here and I find that they have called someone a black cunt, I tell them the same thing."Unlike Magistrate Auty, I'm speechless. Let's all fuck shit piss move to Kalgoorlie, shall we?
Syria: U.S. attacked itself at Damascus embassy
Word now that
Syria, home of terrorists and mental defectives and led by former eye doctor and all around dog-fucker
Bashar "That'll Be A Bud Longneck, please!" Al-Asshat (that's Assad, actually, photo at left, stretching, giraffe-like, grazing for those especially tender shoots hidden in treetops)--Syria, capital Damascus--parenthetical aside, we had fun as kids with that one: "Damn.....Ass.....Cuss! Wow, lookee, we're
swearing!"--anyhow, Syria's now claiming that yesterday's foiled terrorist attack on the U.S Embassy in Damascus was the work of: the U.S.
As in, the United States.
According to a Syrian official, the
U.S. is the only country in the world strong enough to on the QT get weapons into the
heart of Damascus (just blocks from Assad's residence) and use them on the embassy; ergo, the
U.S. is to blame and must be held responsible.
This is amazing stuff, coming from a country the likes of Syria. A country that won't schedule sex ed and driver's ed classes on the same day because the
camels can't handle the stress.
Buff my scrotum, Bashar.
Only limited posts this week....sorry, shlubbies
They're killing me at work. Killing me, I tell you. Goddammit. After I have my daily homeward heading fight on the freeway, gobble groceries, consume three of four fingers of fine single malt, then take 30 seconds of personal time (you know, to "beat the bishop"/"strangle Stavros"/"wallop Walter")...why, it's all I've got left to drag my ugly carcass to bed and fart my way to sleep.
What's a middle aged waiting-for-a-heart-attack-to-happen guy gonna do?
Middle East hatred confusion
They hate each other, yup indeed. But is it the
Turks and the Kurds? Or is it the
Kurks and the Turds? I'm thinkin', the Turds.
Steve Irwin and endangered species
Poor old Steve-o's gone toes up. Crikey. Since everyone else is doing a tribute cum obituary in his honor,
Buff My Scrotum™ brings you comments now from two of the wisest men who've ever lived,
Derek & Clive, herewith offering up thoughts on
endangered species:CLIVE:..... But, er, still, if it's an endangered species, I say fuck 'em.DEREK: Right.CLIVE: I'd like to see every endangered species wiped off the fucking face of the Earth.DEREK: Yeah.CLIVE: People go, they're all moaning on, they say whales are more intelligent than human beings.DEREK: Yeah.CLIVE: Are they? Do you think whales and dolphins are more intelligent than human beings?DEREK: Oh yeah.CLIVE: Why?DEREK: Says so.CLIVE: Yeah, but they're not. Whales are fucking stupid. Can you mention one whale in the history of mankind that has had a record in the top ten? Can you? Can you mention one whale who's written the equivalent of, er, 'Othello', Shakespeare, 'Health & Efficiency'? They've produced nothing in the way of literature. All they've fucking produced is a load of other whales and all they eat is fucking plankton, and they call them intelligent. Can you imagine drifting along in the sea with your mouth open and a lot of fucking plankton going in?DEREK: Yeah, I can imagine that.CLIVE: You'd like it, would you, just drifting around in the sea? And you can't-, they're such cunts they can't even breathe underwater. They have to keep coming up the whole fucking time and spouting. Then some cunt comes on telly and he says, "Oh, the whale is being wiped out by mankind, save the fucking whales." Well! During the war, did we notice a lot of whales w-, rallying round and saying, "Save England!" I didn't notice many down my part of the world.DEREK: Oh, fucking-CLIVE: I didn't see whales coming up with Union Jacks saying, "We'll fight the Boche". No, they were doing fucking all .....DEREK: No, 'cause they .....CLIVE: ..... swimming around the fucking sea sucking fucking plankton down!
Al-Qaeda suspect torture includes TV character imitations
They're
torturing Al-Qaeda suspects. See, they
caught the #2 terrorist Muslim piece of shit in Iraq today,
Hamed Juma Faris al-Suaidi, and among other things forced him to
imitate famous TV characters on camera. This practice, which is unbelievably
humiliating for Arabs, is designed to break down the terrorist's sense of superiority, and will result in him being more pliable and cooperative in future interrogations. Above right, Hamed's attempt at
duplicating Star Trek's famous Spock character (left). The
"right eyebrow lift" is used in various episodes to denote the character's quizzical reaction to events.
And the Porta-Johns? Exactly as predicted. Vile, disgusting, smelly, grotesque, horrifying, awful, covered in bodily fluids. I don't even think flies found it appealing. But thanks to that yummy Pepto Bismol (see previous post), I managed to avoid need for the facilities over the 24 hour duration of all the fun I experienced. So I'm now hovering by the bathroom here at home, awaiting the release of all that's pent up and held in. I will savor this, I will, when ultimately victory is mine.
