Light and hearty observations from a fat and ugly guy. Home of hackneyed drivel and ersatz-existentialist effluence. Choleric biliousness a specialty, since 1958.

She's smiling for a reason...

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 1:52 PM 3 comments

Jimi Hendrix energy drink? WTF?

So they've licensed Jimi Hendrix's name to an energy drink. It's called: "Liquid Experience". Turns out there's also a Jimi Hendrix air freshener ("smells like blonde groupie!") plus a Jimi Hendrix Christmas ornament. About the only thing they've sold his name to that makes sense is a Jimi Hendrix lava lamp.

Still and all, for representing someone who died choking on his own barf, you got to give Jimi's estate executors (obviously comprised of ethics-free jackal lawyers who are hellbound for sure) some degree of credit. It's not enough that he was probably the greatest guitarist who ever lived. No. Now we've got to merchandise the poor dead bastard with chotchkes and fucking nick-nacks.

What's next, Jimi Hendrix hemmorhoid cream? They could change the lyrics to "Fire" and make a cool jingle out of it, dont ya think:

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 6:16 PM 2 comments

My car repair bill....yikes, part 2

The manager of the car repair shop, outside. Letting me know how much he cares about what's left of my car inside bay #3.

Nice.

So far we're at $6,300 with no end in sight.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 11:02 AM 6 comments

I support Barack Obama...

Just so when he's President, and they finally catch Bin Laden, the headline will be:


Like it?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 9:52 AM 1 comments

Have a safe bloody weekend.....

....and don't do anything stupid.....

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:18 PM 0 comments

My car repair bill....yikes

At left, the mechanic at the car place caught on camera at the exact moment he threw up into what's left of my car's engine. He's ringing Ralph because he can't believe just how much more work he's having to do just to get the goddamm piece of crap Yugo-like machine I drive moving again.

So far: $5,000.....and counting....

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 1:37 PM 3 comments

Nothing works. Ever.

What do you do when you get something new and the installation instructions are wrong?

I ordered a wireless router from woot.com (interesting daily deals, cheap). Arriving in a box, sans installation disc, I go: "Ok, they say to go to the netgear.com site to download installation software and the manual. How hard can this be?"

Turns out, as hard as Saddam's brother keeping his head on straight.

After what seemed like hours of futility searching the goddamm netgear site for their goddamm software and their goddamm installation instructions, I gave up. This is why I'm reverting to Luddite-ism....nothing works as advertised, ever:

• Music downloads: just like sex--I'm no longer participating. I don't download music anymore due to the hassle factor. Incompatible formats or the goddamm DRM limiting your burns or the computer's "not authorised" or whatever. And good luck getting your money back when you accidentally download the wrong song from their incredibly difficult to read single-space font-size Verdana 6 Lite web site. Buff my scrotum, Mr. Jobs.
  
• Driving a car: mine's in the shop right now because, according to the helpful mechanic, "something's rattling around in there". Look, bucko, I could've told you that!
• Marriage: what more needs to be said?
  

Sometimes, I swear, I think the Amish have the right idea.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:43 AM 4 comments

How water-cooler talk gets started.....

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 8:25 AM 0 comments

MLK holiday: off to the boat show!

As part of my MLK holiday weekend observance, I'm going to a boat show. What one has to do with the other, hell, I don't know. But I'm going.

I used to own a boat, 20 years ago. A decent, fast cruiser, slept 4 albeit a little tight, galley, head. I could've lived on it if I had to. I was on it every day back in my "weird hours worked on the radio with every afternoon off" era. 'Twas great for entertaining guests, nudge nudge, wink wink (girls who didn't even know me very well got naked really fast on this boat...why this was, who knows, but I sure was thankful for it). The photo, above left, sorta kinda captures the sense of at least part of it.

The reality, of course, was that owning this boat was like standing in a cold shower tearing up $20 bills. Instead of the expense, if I'd invested just the money I spent on dock fees, today I'd literally have $500k in the bank.

So now my boat, long gone, is a dim memory, and my social life has pretty much deflated along with my boat ownership status. Hmmmm. A connection, maybe? So, off to the boat show...because, I still have a dream.....

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 8:01 AM 0 comments

Scooby Doo creator dies, rorry ro report

The Japanese guy who created Scooby Doo has "reft rhe ruilding". Now normally, Japanese people have trouble saying the letter "l" when speaking English (so, "English" becomes "Engrish"); it's funny that the main character in his most famous cartoon would make everything start with the letter "r". Must have been some kind of cultural payback, I dunno.

Other than the overly-sexualized character Daphne , who I admit gave me a boner from time to time, Scooby wasn't so memorable. However, the show was the impetus for one of the biggest dumbass trends of the 70's: dramas (and cartoons) featuring perfectly racially balanced groups of high school students who solved crimes in their spare time.

My favorite Scooby episode? The one where they're in the Mystery Machine and they end up in this creepy place where there's some kind of treasure but also "ghosts" and they all get scared but then they go hunting for clues and damned if it wasn't the nice old caretaker dressed up as a ghost after all!

Sort of like my favorite Gilligan's Island episode: the one where they almost get off the island, but Gilligan screws it up. I liked that one.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:03 PM 1 comments

Ahhh--to be young again....

I'm a regular at this bar, sort of like everyone's harmless old curmudgeonly uncle. Partly 'cause I do have a pretty good, nasty sense of humor, there's generally some laughs going when ol' Nigel's around. Plus, the vast array of young girl nubility working the place doesn't consider me a threat in a dirty old man kinda way.

Little do they know.

So this weekend is 26 year old Jake, wait-staff, who's off work but hanging around because his mammary-blessed, sweet and sexy girlfriend Kaylie is working behind the bar. This Jake confides to me that he got a call from a high-school girlfriend who's coming to town and wants to hook up with him, all coitally joined up like. He's telling me this while I'm looking at Kaylie who's serving other customers and who's basically a walking wet dream and I'm thinking: "wtf?" I convey my concerns to this Jake who shrugs his shoulders and says something about hey, he's thinking with the little brain and when ya gotta ya gotta and he wants to and he will and too effing bad for the girlfriend and what she won't know won't hurt her.

Just goes to prove that no matter how hot the babe, someone somewhere is sick of putting up with her b.s.....

Or maybe, that this Jake is just an asshole.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:12 PM 1 comments

Fashion Nazis already at it with Nancy Pelosi

Comes now the fashion "advice" for Nancy Pelosi. Why is this? No one told Denny Hastert that he was a fat drooling slob whose Walmart sack suits made him look like Sydney Greenstreet stuck in a barrel.

It's only when women get power that the fashionistas come a-roaring. From today's Atlanta Journal Constitution: Pelosi should explore her feminine side — without compromising her power — by softening her suits with a feminine silk blouse in a bright solid or sophisticated print. She might also try a pencil skirt instead of pants. This gives the appearance of length but would still conceal her legs if she was concerned about exposing them.

I say, show those legs. Show more. Actually, imho, it's best that she wear as little as possible. You gotta admit that near-nudity in the House will at least hypnotize all the dumbass House Republican men. Then, Nancy should shake her ta-tas in their face; that'll get 'em voting the pro-welfare abortions for all anti-global warming guns kill people yay civil rights boo the war tax the rich give to the poor correct way.

Problem solved.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:04 AM 0 comments

I love Congressional gridlock

Nancy Pelosi (left), who was hot as hell back before electricity -- and I'd still, ya know, bang her gavel -- is now Speaker of the House. Along with new Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, our Nancy is committed to stopping partisan Congressional gridlock, because "that's what the people want". Apparently they both think the public is demanding that everyone just get along and by gum, get to work.

Passing more goddamm laws.

See, that's the thing. I fucking LOVE Congressional gridlock. All these politico types know how to do is add more laws to what gajillions are already there. There are quintillions of laws. Here are some true, stupid ones:

• Iowa: one-armed piano players must perform for free.
• Colorado: it is illegal to drive a black car on Sundays.
• Texas: You are legally married if you introduce someone as your wife or husband three times in public.
• Oregon: it is illegal to pump your own gas in service stations.
• Minnesota: it is illegal to enter Wisconsin wearing a chicken on your head.

You get the idea.

I say: fewer laws. More gridlock. Drink up. Buff my scrotum. Amen.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:33 PM 0 comments

Changes at Home Dept; Lowe's, here I come.

Glad to see that this Robert Nardelli character is out at the Home Depot. As CEO, he'd brought over all that Jack Welch GE horseshit, including Six Sigma ("Sigma", from the Latin meaning to "search in vain for someone in an orange apron to assist me in the goddamm store").

And his exit package is about equivalent to the GNP of Ghana. Bastard.

Here's the problem at Home Depot: the stores suck, they're badly lit, and most importantly you can never never ever find anyone to help. Plus, their "you can do it; we can help" slogan is patent flim-flammery, to wit: I have the mechanical aptitude of a soapdish (lie #1, "you can do it") and there's no one to wait on you in the store (lie #2, "we can help"). See previous rant about THD here.

Get someone in there running Big Orange who cares about the customer, and I'll go back. Until then, Home Depot can buff my scrotum.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 4:07 PM 0 comments

Ethiopia kicks Somali Islamist ass; drugs return!

Ethiopia, last heard from when everyone living there was starving to death, apparently scrounged up enough gruel to feed its army (photo, left, aboard their version of an attack SUV). Fortified, they went into Somalia and before you could say "Blackhawk down", they'd kicked wanna-be ruler Somali Islamo-fascists out of the country.

So now, suddenly, you have a non-Islamic run country, with all accrued benefits. These include free-wheeling sex with hot Somali babes (sunbathing at right), and of course: drugs are back on the street. Already. A drug called "kaht", which when chewed acts a bit like cocaine.

This is a trade-off us Libertarians can live with. Ya got your Koran or you got your Kaht. Choose. Ok--wanna bump?

And while we're at it, let's let this Ethiopian Army unleash some Haile Selassie whoopass in Iraq and see what damage they can do to the Islamashits there. Hmmmmm?

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 3:49 PM 1 comments

Let me be the 1,935th...

...to wish you Happy New Year. Or not. I dinna care much, laddie.

Enough of that sappy crapola. Here, then: a sampling from the 2006 Dipshit Honor Roll Top True Stories:

January: Several women in Springfield, Mo., have to be treated for infections after agreeing to be tattooed by a man who said he was a door-to-door tattoo salesman (fanciful...nay, wishful photo at left).

April: A member of the all-dwarf Kiss tribute band called MiniKiss is escorted out of the Hard Rock Cafe and Casino in Las Vegas after he tries to beat up the drummer for rival Kiss midget tribute band Tiny Kiss.

May: U.S. patent number 7037243: The cordless jump-rope, invented by Lester Clancy. It's just the two handles, and you pretend the rope is there.

June: A federal investigation finds that debit cards given to Hurricane Katrina survivors were used to purchase "Girls Gone Wild" videos, diamond jewelry and a $200 bottle of champagne at a Hooters in San Antonio.

September: A Texas high school student's father is upset that his daughter is reading "Fahrenheit 451" by Ray Bradbury, a book about a future where all books are banned. He asks that the book be banned.

November: Stockholm, Sweden, announces it will open an Abba museum in 2008.

Here's hoping more retarded crap will brighten our mutual days in the year to come, shlubbies.

posted by Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines @ 7:26 AM 3 comments